Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Dark days of the mind.
I have been struggling since my last post with a dark weight. It feels as if a dark cloud hovers over me, pouring rain, yet no one else can see or feel it. I hate when I get in this place because nothing can really come along to pull me from it. Time is the only answer. I know it comes on when I feel especially bothered by things that I really can't change. I am a fixer by nature, a nurturer. In so many ways I was born a mother. I try to always approach an interaction with care. One of the hardest things for me is to know I was the cause of pain or hurt or upset. I avoid confrontation more than I should. It is very rare for me to speak my mind if the speaking could be taken as reproachful of others. I also hate to get after others and it is rare that I do unless it is in defense of someone I love that I see being treated wrongly. That is why it just kills me when people see me as something other than I am, or think I am. I know perception is different for everyone and what I may see as being thoughtful others may see completely different. I especially have a hard time when the person who seems to see me so negatively is someone I genuinely care about or thought I had a good relationship with. Hubby says I need to stop letting the opinion of others affect me so much and I know he is right. I have the love, support, and respect of so many amazing people that it kills me that the dim views of a handful are what I seem to focus on. I am extremely sensitive to negative feelings and as the ultimate people pleaser I want to fix the broken. I obsess over it to the point that my husband wants to lock me in a closet out of frustration. I have let go of a few of those toxic relationships that have been in my life and feel better for it. I honestly should do the same with the others and just breath. I know I can not force anyone to see me the way I hope they would. I can't make anyone feel what they don't want to feel. All I can do is change how I take it. I need to focus on that. I need to let time get me through my dark cloud so I can play in the sun again. I need to remember the amazing blessings in my life and let the dark days float past. In the scheme of my life they are but petals on the wind and fleeting in their impact.
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Here's my life philsophy.
ReplyDeleteAs long as you are content with the relationship you have with your spouse, and kids if you have them, then don't waste your energy being concerned about other people. Do the things that make you happy. Try to get along with the people at work if you work outside the home, but remember they are just transients on your life's journey. Be happy with yourself, and if you aren't, try to change what you would like to change. We all have things that could use brushing up. I'm not a school certified philosopher but I have lived a long time and life teaches hard lessons.
Thanks Hermit! I am very blessed. I have a great marriage and 2 pretty awesome daughters. We have the little bumps along the way all families do but we are a very solid team. My guy has massive amounts of confidence in me and accepts me as I am. I honestly know I beat myself up and allow others, who really should not matter, beat me up to often. I think part of that is a woman thing and part of it is a me thing but your wisdom is very nice to hear. In the scheme of things I am happy with myself and I need to allow myself to feel pride in that rather than see the criticism of others and wonder if they might be right. I am doing the best I can for me and for my family and that is the most important thing any person can do!
ReplyDeleteI think you are doing well. As the Romans used to say, "Don't let the b******s get you down." Somewhere I have the original Latin phrase but I can't remember where. You have it right with the family, which is what matters. The rest is just froth on the wake of your life. In my case, most of the people who treated me as you have apparently been treated, are long dead so they don't bother me anymore. As the Japanese say, "if you sit by the river long enough, eventually the body of your enemy will come floating by." I've outlived them all, so the last laugh is mine. ;-)
ReplyDeleteLila, I was going to put you on my blog roll, and then I thought maybe you wouldn't want me to do that because your blog is pretty personal and perhaps you only want the people you have following it to read it. So let me know if that's the case, or not.
ReplyDeleteFeel free to add us. Gracie and Maggy are my fellow writers but we write to help others. Even when we (mostly me recently hehe) get into the deeper stuff it is with the hope we help ourselves by releasing whatever is going on and maybe our journey's can help others!
ReplyDeleteOK. I think your blog is very interesting and I just wanted to be sure you didn't mind.
ReplyDelete