If she's back I should be too!

I guess if a revival is in the works I should help. 😀

Life has been challenging but good. I'm working with behaviorally challenged foster kids as a caregiver. I'm very blessed that my health has improved enough for me to work. Things have been a bit challenging financially for a while. Husband never got the job we were expecting so things got very tight. Add the debt from all my medical bills when we lived in Nevada and we got stuck in a rock and a hard place. We actually had to file bankruptcy purely because of the medical bills. We so need health care reform that deals with the outrageous costs involved. Through all that I learned that more than half of the bankruptcy cases filed are due to medical bills. It's mind boggling.

One positive has been that all my food storage and other preps have come in very handy. We've not starved and we've been able to pay bills. I have been considering school for my BS but unfortunately aid goes off your 2014 taxes which was a much higher income. Together we make less than half of Husband's former income. Ick. Luckily cost of living is very low here. Since I can't get aid I'm looking at a bookkeeping course. I had to open a gofundme for it and wow is that humbling. I spent so long raising funds for other families that being on the other side is a huge eye opener.

On the prep front we are hoping to get a garden planted this year to help with food and food storage costs. We have plenty of space for it and with Husbad working locally we have more time to do it. Cross your fingers.

All in all life is good. Kids are fantastic. Monkey is now 7 and she is in 1st grade. She reads at a 5th grade level and does math at a 3rd grade level. Bug is 14 and ending her 8th grade year. I'm way to young for a highschooler. Ack! Our home is beautiful and we are together. Makes it a pretty good life.

Writing inspiration

I've long been of a mind that fiction writers are the quiet crazy people of society. We take the constant bombardment of images and voices in our head and find a way to make it work for us rather than landing us in a psyche hold. We kill people, we explore the worlds beauty, depravity, and possibilities and make it entertainment.  (Hopefully)

I find inspiration in everything.  I once went to a writing seminar and an attendee asked the panel how it was possible that the romance genre still thrived. I fell in love with the answer. One writer said that if you give a sentence to a group of romance writers and tell them to write a book you will get completely different books every time even if the pattern is for a couple to fall in love. She gave an example of finding a naked woman on the side of the road. I went home and proceeded to outline and even begin a pretty fab concept on that sentence.

Writers often only need a word or an image to create an entire new world. We can hear a joke and see a book idea flow from it. Yesterday a friend posted a meme about finding your horror movie death. One of her friends commented that their answer was eaten by squirrel. I proceeded to name Zillasquirrel and even saw this squirrel enter my book to harass my heroine.

We see beauty in odd places. We see stories to be told, loves won, battles waged in every outing. I have really been enjoying letting my brain wander back to the stories.

Back to being insane on the down low.

I know I'm in my own way but I feel stuck.

I've been looking for inspiration in many places these days. Trying to get back to writing. Sometimes just combing through the #writingprompt tag on twitter works to move me. Today the one that jumped was "Write about what is getting in your way."

Honestly I am in my own way. In my writing career, in my life in gerneral. I just have no idea what to do about it. Blaming my dad and the regular self esteem slaps or my fibro is easy and even truth in a way but honestly it comes down to fear. Fear of failing at writing, at being a wife and mom. Fear of the unknown. Fear of pushing my body into another setback. Fear of letting those I love down even more. Fear of my dreams being permanently taken.

It sucks to realize I am held by fear.

What a month!

Holy crazy month. I have been just swamped. I had events 4 out of the last 6 weekends with Damsel. It was pretty amazing. I was able to complete the director training program and promoted up two ranks during the program. I gained so much. So much confidence, so much joy and contentment. My goal when I began this Damsel path has always been to build an incredible team, to help my family, and to give back. In January with the help of my friends we raised $500 for the Gaston family. In February we raised over $400 for the Pratt family. This month we are working hard to help a sweet little 2 year old boy with liver cancer.

I also sort of fell into an activism role. I offered to help sponsor a giveaway for a new fb page called 1 Million Moms Against Gun Control. I also offered to help in any way I could. So when the awesome creator decided to take her dream bigger I was happy to help. So I am now the Nevada lead for what is becoming a nationwide nonprofit with an aim at providing education, awareness, and support on rights issues. We are actually even discussing expanding to the full constitution and not just focusing on gun rights. Being involved from the start in this is pretty cool.

I have had to take a brake this week from everything as I was feeling run down but I am loving it. Loving the ability to nurture my passions. Enjoying the meeting of new people. It truly has been an incredible joy.

Hot potato Lila!

Do you remember as a child playing the game called hot potato? You and your friends sat in a circle and passed a ball as quickly as you could without dropping it. If you let it drop you lost. Now imagine that game and every person in the circle is a doctor. A Hematologist, Primary Care Dr., Rheumatologist, Endocrinologist. They pass that potato so fast it blurs. I realized today I am that potato. FMS makes me that untouchable unwanted potato. Every doc runs a battery of tests just to rule out things so they can prove something else. Finally I thought I had hope. I found a well respected Rhemuatologist. FMS is after all in that category. Went in and she tried some meds and ran her slew of tests. Her meds made me sicker. Her tests agreed with everyone else. I am the healthiest sick person in the world. Today I was told that the nature of FMS makes it difficult for her to help me so she is passing me on to a pain management specialist. I get to add another doc to the circle. I am so frustrated I just sat in the car and cried. I wanted to avoid that fate. I battled during my teen years with a host of things, addiction being a close friend. Maybe I was lucky I faced that so young. I was very healthy and to a teen months feel like eons and I was through my bottom and clean by the time I was 17. It wasn't an easy road. I made it harder for myself by being deceitful and destructive. Then I found my guy and the world seemed to complete itself. I have never looked back and never wanted to. Even before I converted to the LDS religion I didn't drink. I didn't smoke. The only time I ever took a strong prescription was when my girls were born and when I had kidney stones/infection or my wisdom teeth pulled. I don't even allow them to numb me at the dentist anymore. So this prospect has me very upset. I do not want to take pain drugs. The thought of risking that just terrifies me. Yet it has also been shown that so far the biggest proven help for FMS is pain drugs.

This potato is so overcooked.

Farewell 2011 Hello 2012

Happy New Year!! It has been a pretty good year for us at TSLBF. We welcomed a new addition, we followed dreams, we bought some awesome guns, built up plans, we made big changes. We had our share of illness. My diagnosis came this year. Gracie has had some boy caused antics to make anyone cringe and an ER doc know them by name. We faced grief and triumph. The blog has grown beyond just us and our brother blog. I think our positives outweigh any negatives. Personally I know a lot of the community I have discovered because of this blog has helped with that positive. We are very thankful people read us and seem to like us most days hehe.

We wish all of you joy and happiness , health and success as you enter this New Year. I know we will all face challenges but I think with the support of friends and great family anything can be conquered.

2012 is a year to expand our preps some more, work on our personal goals (I WILL publish dang it), and enjoy each other. I look forward to it!!

Desert flash floods.

Not much is going on with me right now. Editing, reading, taking care of my family. The usual. We are in monsoon conditions and were finally able to let the teens see why the drainage tunnels are so dangerous even though it is so dry. This pic is of a road not even 100 yards from the house. The rain had only been falling for about 20 minutes when I took this picture. I had ventured out to get Miss. Bug to school. I know the road and the depth and have a heavy 4x4 and crossed it but found immense traffic getting to the school and decided to keep her home. I saw a small mustang decide to skip the intersection pictured and go to turn around only to be hit broadside with another wave and be pushed into the rushing water. Driving in conditions like these require a knowledge of your road, a slow and steady hand, and a very heavy vehicle. Do not ever even consider crossing a road like this if you are not sure of the depth. It does not take a lot of force to lift a smaller car and float it off despite what you might think. In a SHTF situation you need to make sure the route of escape you have chosen is one you can traverse in any condition. Know the road. Drive the route even if it is out of the way so you are not forced to attack a road like this with no knowledge of it. It can and will save your life and your belongings.

Blah.....

Today is a day for the blah's. It is already 91 outside and will hit 105 by noon. Hubby and BIL are both welding right now with Hubby in the tunnel so they are averaging 112+. Very bad. My poor guy comes home and pretty much eats, showers and goes to bed until the next day. I seem to have a stomach bug that has resulted in some major pain. YUCK.

Today starts an important process in the custody fight concerning my niece and nephew. It makes me reflect again on how hard divorce is. I really wish that all couples who end up divorcing could step back from their own hurt and anger and put it aside for the sake of their kids. Seeing how the bitterness and fighting has hurt these kids makes my chest ache. I want to take them away and make it better but I know that they are with the parent who can best take care of them. They both had to grow up far to quickly and it is such a shame. I can only hope that the court system works for them.

Dinner tonight is all about cleaning out the fridge. It is full of some scrumptious left overs and we are running out of space for other things.

Monkey slept horribly last night and ended up in our bed. I think her tummy hurts as much as mine. Bug had her first friend sleep over last night and i think it went well. They had treats and played on the trampoline before sleeping out there under the stars. I am so glad she is coming out of her shell and really being more social.

As you can see the blah's mean life here is pretty un-exciting today. I finished editing the second chapter of my book and am slowly chugging through. Hopefully I have it ready by my birthday, which was my original goal. The other book needs a little less in the edit department I think so shouldn't take as long. I am excited to put them out and see how it goes. Then I want to dig in to the first in the youth fantasy adventure book. i am also thinking the paranormal cop series I started might be more fun and have more depth if it was post-apocalyptic. Still law and order but with a different world circumstance. That idea bears more thought.

Wow what a last couple weeks!

Boy has my life seen some ups and downs over the last couple weeks. The hubs and I live life of the philosophy "live and let live". As long as you aren't putting my family in danger I have no trouble with you. We were lucky enough to find a neighborhood that fit that when we moved to the desert for this tunnel. No one really knows anyone else well though we do know those who attend our church. It isn't a block party type place. It is a place where our kids all play outside together. We stay out of each others business. Honestly the only time I have interacted with some beyond a hello has been over the kids. It is a pretty quiet place which we love. We keep our eyes out for danger for each other but we don't meddle. It is our kind of place. With the market crash here a lot of the homes have turned over to new owners since we have been here but the vibe has stayed the same. Well we got a new next door neighbor in a house that was empty for over a year. This neighbor was not of that philosophy and not of the type to knock on the door and talk if there was a concern like the rest of us are. We had (still ticked, grrrr) a black lab that the rescue Gracie works with found as a newborn pup. He was a bit dopey and very big. Too big for me but Hubby wanted a breed big enough to help with protection as his job requires long hours with me home alone with the girls. The part we failed to take into consideration was my FMS. It means I don't have the muscle strength to wrestle his weight and strength without paying a price so during the day while our daughter was at school Jasper was on a line in the back yard. He was on a line to keep him from eating everything as his 17 month old puppy brain still loved to devour trampolines and wood furniture. If he saw me pass a window he barked until he realized I was not bringing him in. He also barked if it was stormy. He also barked if he stayed on the line to late into the evening and it started to get dark. He was kind of a sensitive gent. Love him but he has quirks. Anywhoodle Mrs. New Neighbor decided he was a nuisance though no other neighbor had ever complained and we had had him for 14 months. So we got a visit from Animal Control. First visit was about him being on the line. We let the officer see the line and were reassured as were they that he was well taken care of. He was not left on the line all day. He had access to shade, food, and water. Then 2 weeks ago on Monday husband is on swings and i am putting my little one to bed. Bug had not brought him in and so he of course panicked as dark approached. Nice lady came over and yelled at my nephew to bring him in. Didn't ask for an adult. Yelled at the 12 year old. The next day Animal Control is back with a report he barks for 14 hours a day every day. I am told if they come again I will be ticketed in increasing fine increments until he is silenced. The situation can't be changed. Jasper is sensitive, I am not going to be cured tomorrow, a shock collar just tortures him. So we had to surrender him. The kids were destroyed. Monkey is 2 so she has no idea what is going on just that her dog is gone and she bawls constantly for days. It was horrible. I had a flare of monumental proportions. Sheer agony. Poor diabetic nephew had keytones for 4 days due to stress. I may be a horrid mother but I let the kids pick out a smaller rescue dog to try to help them feel better so we have a new addition.


Then came that Thursday. For a year Hubby had been in prep for a hunt to Canada with his dad and BIL for Bear and Wolf. He drives up and discovers his mom is in the hospital with a clot in her lung. She has had numerous health issues stemming from her own struggle with FMS. Pretty serious so he is stressed but she sends him on. His plane is broken making him miss the next 2 flights. He lands in Canda where somehow they have his unsealed juvenile record and they deny him entry despite the fact he was able to hunt there last year and obviously committed no crimes and has not committed crimes in a very long time since his time as a foster kid. Soooooooo he has to fly right back home. 8 flights in 2 days and 8 hours of drive time and he meets me with family. Poor guy is beat physically and emotionally. He has paid his dues has worked his tail off and got bit for it. Sucky ducks!!!


So he decided to take the week off and hang out with me anyway. He was scheduled for the time and we had the money to cover it so figured why not. It was nice. We went shooting, we took the quads out with the kids, we watched our favorite shows. I loved having time with him that is so rare though I hated the price that came with it.


That has been my last 2 weeks! Pretty interesting huh? What it hammered home to me was that you aren't always lucky in who you have for a neighbor. AND government really needs to take more in to account than just what it wants to use to manipulate things. People are made up of many things and no single moment defines anyone. Some moments are bigger than others and absolutely can and do ruin lives but an entire life should be used when you judge someone.

Do I have to go out again?

I am anti-social. I know this. I am honestly not all that sure why. I have friends. I have always made them fairly easy when I put effort into it. I have realized recently though that close friends are a lot more rare in my life. Actually I have only had a handful. Ever. I was the girl in school who didn't fit in any particular slot. I was friendly with many groups. I went from crowd to crowd easily. Now as an adult I still am not easy to fit into a category. I am not very outgoing. I know that. I honestly am happy to just be home reading. If I am out I like being with my family. I have a hard time just venturing to places by myself hoping to make friends. That has become especially true here. I feel so different from everyone here. I have met women who I share things in common with but none that I know of that mesh with me if that makes sense. I am a stay at home mom who loves to shoot, ride quads, treasure hunt, take scenic drives, play board games, watch movies, read, camp. The list goes on. I am pretty comfortable in my ways and need friends who accept those ways if that makes sense and share my thinking. I have been blessed enough to make 2 such girlfriends but they are both far away which sucks. Luckily we talk regularly. They see all of me and love me. I have always felt like I have to hide pieces of myself with most people. I can't talk about guns with this person, can't discuss my religion with that person, can't watch this movie with this person, can't cuss near that person. Certain things I edit are out of respect absolutely. I am not going to walk around cussing all the time when I am trying to improve that. I just am extra careful around certain people. I read once how no one really has a best friend they have many friends who fill different needs. I think that is silly though. True friendship is about loving and accepting everything and being everything a friend needs. A shoulder, a helper, a critic, a fan, a push in the right direction, or even someone to hold us back from a mistake. Maybe that is a part of why I am so happy to be at home. I have 2 friends like that. I have a husband who does the same things. With all the drama that has come with my efforts of trying and all the editing that comes with relationships is it really worth going out and trying to make more friends when I have what I need already?

Been a while since I've posted.....

but things here have been pretty dull. My mountain man decided the trailer was way to big and actually followed my advice so we sold it and put money back where it needed to be. I am going to buy my concealed carry weapon this week. In our new state you take a course and have to qualify with the weapon you plan to carry and my .40 is just not quite the right fit. I don't feel super comfortable with it and my lack of hand strength from my FMS needs to be a consideration as well as he fact that I am a lefty. My right handed guy bought the .40 for me so the ease of use for safety release is not there and the slide is not fluid. It takes more strength than I always have. So looking myself for a gun that will work. Pretty excited for the prospect since I usually leave the weapons buying to Hubby.

Bug and Monkey are growing like weeds. We had to shave the little ones head because she decided to roll around in glue. It was great fun for my husband but I cried. He hair was already short so it isn't a huge difference but still enough to make me sad!

We still have a dual family house at the moment. Teenagers are fun. It has been nice to switch off cooking duties though I know my BIL is anxious to be doing more than household chores.

Life is good in the desert though the heat is starting to hit already. Not looking forward to it at all!

Random Acts Of Kindness!

Friday was a busy day for us. We were due in Utah for a family reunion of sorts. For the first time in years the majority of my husbands siblings were all getting together with their families in one place so it was all about packing and driving and going, going, going....... It also was a day about random acts of kindness. A dear friend was celebrating the first birthday of her child. Her sweet girl was born still and to honor her she and everyone that loved her were going to do some random acts that day. Having had my own losses this hit me hugely. My losses had been early and while I grieve them still in moments of reflection I have never really done something purely to honor those lost lives so I took up the call not only to honor my friend and her precious one but to honor mine and all the lost ones. It kind of became almost obsessive. I think my poor brother-in-law had no idea what to do with me. All day as we went about prepping and packing I would ask to stop here or go there as an idea popped into my head for my RAOK. He just kept going. I think he ignored me as a safety because he thought I had lost my mind. I think he also did it because the one I was supposed to help hadn't come around yet. By evening I was getting frustrated. My sunny disposition was taking on a little bit of an edge as I became more insistent that he help me fulfill my pledge. Then we stopped to fuel up. I decided as we were pulling in that my RAOK would be to fill up the gas tank of someone. I looked around. I saw a minivan pull in and perked up until they pulled to a stop and the door flew open and I saw a woman holding her infant in her arms with not seat in sight. Couldn't bring myself to want to help there when that lack of safety for such a sweet life made me mad. Then I turned around and in pulled an Explorer. Seated inside was a cute young Hispanic couple and in the back seat were twin infant carseats. He pulled out $40 which I knew would never fill that tank since I drive and SUV and I knew they were exactly who I needed to help. So I asked if I could buy his gas. I know he thought I was crazy but he said okay. As we approached $20 he stopped the pump and tried to give me his cash. I restarted it and told him no. As we hit $40 he did it again and I repeated my step. I explained that it was important to me. I needed to do this for him. NEEDED. I filled his tank to the brim and told him to take his family out for Valentine's Day. I am sure he thought I was a crazy person but I felt so uplifted and full to bursting with love. Love for my friend and her angel. Love for my little lost ones. Love for life. I also felt so amazingly thankful for my blessings. It reminded me how much I enjoy doing things for others and how truly joyous it makes me feel to see the wonder on someones face when a stranger is kind to them. So make today your day to do a random act of kindness. It can be big or small but trust me it will leave you feeling so amazingly proud!

Expanding Our Hearth!

I have been a horrible poster. (We all have but the girls will have to beg for your forgiveness themselves, there is a reason Bitch is in our title, LOL!) In December our household grew by 3. My Hubby's brother and his children (Ages 16 and 12) moved in after he was laid off from his metal working job. My nephew is diabetic so the choice was rent or insulin. Obvious choice. It has been interesting. The house is full to bursting. My girls are loving it. My niece is the older kid and Monkey thinks the sun rises and sets with her. BIL (Brother-in-law) is a great cook so I get to share that now. It has been good for all of us. My FMS is slowly getting figured out but on the really bad days I actually have backup babysitters, lol. Both kids are happy to earn the spending money. In fact I had to get after my nephew because he has been rushing to grab Monkey when she wakes up in the morning before I even have a chance to wake up. It is super sweet but weird too to be pampered. So now I rarely do dishes because my niece washes and my nephew puts them away. Bug picks up the living room. A lot gets done these days with so many hands.

Embracing a new day!

I tend to live in my happy place as much as I can. I try to always find the blessings even in the worst of situations. I face life with the hope that it will be bright and beautiful. I know it isn't always that way. I have had my fair share of trials and cruddy days. Part of being me are the flashes of darkness before I make the light shine through. I was once asked what I would get for a tattoo if I had one and I had to think a minute before the answer became obvious. My husband and I are very much about there being meaning in something like that so for me it would be a fairy. She would be beautiful, long hair flowing down her back, wings spread as if about to fly, arms lifted and head thrown back with a grin of sheer joy on her face. In front of her is a mirror and her reflection is the total opposite. Wings drooping low, arms crossed over her chest as her head is bowed with tears streaming down her face. I feel like those two parts of me are there every day but I just choose to embrace the happier side. I think we all have the darkness. We all have battles to face, trials to overcome. We have to make a choice. We can let those hard things rule our lives or we can look at them and stand tall and smile and press through to the brighter side. Every day I have moments where I make the conscious choice to push through. I think everyone has those moments. It can be just getting out of bed on time rather than hitting the snooze button. It can be putting the Tylenol back in the bottle so you only take a healthy amount rather than try to dull life away. It can be taking a breath in a moment of frustration rather than letting loose the words that popped into our heads. They seem like little things but in the course of the day all those little positive choices add up until you are living your life in the sun and when those rain storms come you are much more likely to see the rainbows through the clouds!

I have also recently embraced letting go of things that add to the darkness. It is okay to remove yourself from situations that cause hurt. If they can't be healed to the point that the light can shine through than it is okay to step back and let go. In fact I think sometimes the only choice is to let go. It has taken me a long time to really truly grasp that idea. I am a fixer. I want to fix it even if it hurts. It may take a while because it is our nature to not want to do something painful but I still was pressing on. I was holing on to some negativity and letting it color how I felt about myself and what I was doing with my life. I am going to change that. It may not be as fast as I would like and I know I will still have moments where I step back to that place of negativity but I plan to embrace a new way of thought. I am beautiful. I am smart and willing to learn. I am creative. I am a fantastic wife, a terrific mother, and a dang good writer. I taught myself html. I have a life full of people I love and who love me for exactly who I am.

Who really needs more than that?

Kidney infections, black labs, and exhaustion.

Oh my!! Sunday afternoon I started feeling weird. Frequent potty breaks and fatigue. Then pain every time I went to the bathroom. Finally by 1 am I was passing clots the size of dimes. Yeah TMI I am sure but this is a tale of woe, I am allowed to over share. So I took myself to the wonderful ER (read the sarcasm.) and left Hubby home to keep an ear out for the girls. I have to say that both times I have gone to this hospital in the dead of night we have been seen quickly. They run some tests. Sure enough I have a kidney infection. The nice Dr. said if I had waited until morning then he would have admitted me and I would have had to quit nursing. Not something I am prepared to do. Luckily that was avoided and I was sent home with some prescriptions. Of course at 2:30 in the morning not every pharmacy is open and I needed a CVS because our health plan doesn't work with Walgreen's. That was an adventure all on it's own. I drove all over thinking I knew where one was and then finally gave in and called directory assistance. They passed me to a CVS that was not open but had a number to find one that was. 4 calls later and I have one tracked down. Bleck. I came home and except for waking to nurse I slept over 24 hours. My amazing guy stayed home from work to take care of our angels. Feeling much better now.

Recovery was punctuated by issues. We have a sweet black lab named Jasper. Yes after the vampire. Jasper likes to eat things and as he is still young at 5 months it is hard to keep him from doing it. He ate the safety net of the trampoline and the plugged in cord of an air purifier. He finally responds to "No Jasper" and will drop what he has. Unless it is my eldest saying the words because he would rather play with her and usually they end up in a game of tackle the dog. Jasper is an indoor dog. It is much to hot in the desert for a black lab to be anything else really. He is house trained finally but he will pee everywhere if he thinks my husband is mad at him. He is amazing with the girls. Our little one is 18 months now and she can be laying on him, one hand pulling his tail while the other holds his ear still for her to bite him and he lays there and takes it. He loves to cuddle and chase a squeaky toy. I am pretty proud of him despite the fact that he made recovery a bit harder.

Now I am just exhausted. The baby isn't napping well so i can't get anything done. I am not sleeping well. I still feel all sorts of achy. Remember people to drink cranberry juice. It is a wonderful preventative for infections like this.

10 year reunion.

Recently a friend from high school has been posting about our 10 year reunion which is in June. My husband asked me if I wanted to go and I had to think about it for a second. My first thought was no because when you envision your reunion you envision being able to share accomplishments. To show the friends who stood by you that they were right and the people who doubted you that you did better than they expected. I haven't done anything special, no world changing, no college. Then I thought some more. And realized that was crap. That was me allowing my low self-esteem to rule my thinking and allowing those who doubted I would do anything with my life to win. I have done amazing things. I married the man I adore when I was 18 and despite it all, including some 'friends' expectations, we are happier than ever. I gave birth to our first child when I was 19. Bug is 8 now and amazes me every day. She can be very grown up and helpful one minute and the next she is on her trampoline, soaking wet, and laughing like a loon. She loves to cuddle still. She has a ton of fun playing games with me. She thinks Russell on survivor is a jerk and that JT is dumb. She tells me how the girls on 16 and pregnant really should have waited until marriage. She has a giving soul and a heart to match. I helped to do that. I've taught myself HTML by the time I was 22 and have quite a few websites under my belt and being visited regularly. I have completed 2 books of at least 60,000 words each before my 25th birthday. At 26 I gave birth to my second child. Squeak is curiosity personified. She has to look at everything, to touch it, hear it, and even, to my dismay, taste it. She can climb like a monkey and nothing soothes her more than a Mommy hug. She loves to cuddle her Daddy and give her big sister kisses. She refuses to use a spoon because then she couldn't smear her food all over. She knows who she likes and who she doesn't and has no qualms letting the world know. She loves to be outside. She thinks sharing candy with me is super fun and refuses to sleep through the night. I helped create her too. I have a 9 year marriage under my belt. We have a home and a life and are secure in each other and our marriage. My girls are happy. I have friends who love me, who share my worries and make me laugh when I need to. I have family that never fails to surprise me. So in actuality I have accomplished and accumulated much in these 10 years post graduation. I have conquered and enjoyed life even in the rough spots. I have absolutely no regrets because every decision, good or bad, every person, either helpful or hindrance, has led me to this moment. This glorious, serene, beautiful, whirl that is my life. So eat that all you doubters, and friends.... thank you for always knowing that the girl I hid would one day make me into the wife and mother I have become!

Butterflies and Rainbows.

I was at dinner with my awesome Mom and her guy and my sweet family and I realized something. The fact that I am an eternal optimist is pretty interesting because I am surrounded by pessimists. The revelation came after my Mom checked the BYU/K State score and saw BYU was down 10 at the half time mark and she said, "Man this sucks, I was looking forward to seeing them play in SLC." Her guy and I both spoke up and said "It's not over yet." but it made me realize how strange I am. I am surrounded by doom and gloom seers. Hubs and a couple others see their glasses as half full but the core of my growing up years was all pessimists. My Grandma was always for the doom and gloom. It could be sunny with a 10% chance of rain and she would say, "Better cover the plants for the storm." That spread to so many of the people in my life. People who saw me fail the 7th grade and said, "This girl will never graduate." (I then skipped a grade and graduated in 2000 like I was supposed to.) Or those who said, "She is 18 and marrying a bad boy, this will never work." (9 years and counting!) I've even had the, "She is going to be just like her biological mother. A drug addict and a leech." (I have 2 pretty amazing girls and nary a drug in sight!) I've spent so much time listening to others low expectations and thoughts that there are moments even my happy self just gets buried. I learned that I have to be happy, I have to find the joy, I have to push past the failures. I am better than those low expectations and those low thoughts and that is why I am always finding the rainbows and flowers even in the stormiest moments of my life. That optimism has gotten us through some trials that no one should live through. So bring on the butterflies life. I'll always see you!

Grief!!

I have had the chance lately to reflect on grief. Everyone feels grief at one time or another. It can be from the death of a loved one, the ending of a relationship, the last day of a job, or even because something you loved broke. we can be 10 or 110 and still have moments of grief. One thing I have realized is that no one feels grief the same way. Sure others can feel sympathy for your loss but NO ONE will feel exactly the way you do. I think the worst thing to say to a grieving friend is "I know how you feel." You may have shared a similar experience but you do not know how that person feels about their loss. My biggest moment of grief came not at the death of a friend or grandparent close to my heart. It came at a miscarriage. I had had one before many years ago but this one hurt more. This pregnancy we were trying for. I was almost desperate in my need for us to have a second child. It took years to get pregnant. When I did and then lost it I thought I would not be able to survive. That baby had a name, a face in my head, a life of possibilities. It reminded me that my grief was not less or more than anyone else though. It was just mine. Respect those you love who grieve by letting them.

Prayers.

I am not one for prayer requests. Yes, I pray. Often and with passion. I also am pretty private about it. I like haveing the relationship to God that I have. Well now I am asking. I found out today as I am on vacation with my family that a woman I admired and liked who has been an important member of my brother's "family" passed away this weekend. she was 23 and has two small sons ages 2 and 3 months. she and her Air Force husband were alone in the car when they were sideswiped and she was killed. Now her babies are without their mother and a friend is without his highschool sweetheart. I am a huge believer in Heaven and in there being a better place so for her I feel some peace but for her boys and husband I can't help but be broken hearted. I pray for them and that they may find some comfort when all they want is to have her back. I can't seem to stop crying for them and for me. Is that selfish? I feel so angry and hurt and I have a hard time with that usual question of WHY? Why her? Why them? Why leave those little babies without their mama? My husband said that I need to remember that there is a pland and that obviously she was needed somewhere else more than she was here. I hope that is true but I have a hard time thining of a bigger need than small children of their mother. So please pray for the Goldin family, that they may be comforted and held close and that they may have the strength to endure what no child that young should ever have too. Thank you and God bless.

Breath....

So I have been up to my ears in family and dogs. First off, I picked up a new foster dog who had been attacked by another dog and is now scared of any dog larger than she is. She's sweet and playful and will find a home quickly. I have also been dealing with a neglected dog who's living conditions are becoming better as the days go by and an 80 lb brute who was abandoned by his owner in the back yard. So dog stuff has been keeping me busy.
On top of all the dog stuff, we had a pretty exciting weekend, especially for my middle son Bruiser. He turned eight this weekend and for a Mormon family this is a huge deal. It means he is able to be baptised. His birthday was on Friday and we gave him most of his gifts, little brat got spoiled rotten this year! Saturday he got baptised and even more gifts and a special birthday dinner out. Sunday he got to sit up front with the bishop and was introduced as the newest member of the Church. I was so proud of him standing up there. He looked so grown up in his suit and tie!
Anyway, hopefully now that all the families have gone home and I got the kids detoxed from all of the sugar the grandparents gave them, things will settle down enough to blog more.