Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Good men: Are they really hard to find?

I recently joined twitter after one of the writers blogs I love said it was a very helpful avenue for creating connections and can be a huge help to a writing career. Since then I have been following things I love and people that inspire me. That leads to more awesome discoveries of writers, designers, fibro advocates, rights advocates, bloggers, ect. One website I stumbled into is called The Good Men Project. It is basically about what defines a good man in today's world.  How have male roles changed? Sex, love, communication?

People just getting to know me usually have a couple questions I find telling of our times and very interesging. Men and women both ask if my marriage truly is as good as I say or it seems. Women ask how I caught him or do I know others like him. This used to frustrate me. We married young. I was 18 to his 21. So the disbelief at first felt like a lack of confidence and faith in us. As more years passed though and I saw other couples married when we were fail and more and more divorce I realized it was a genuine shock at how happy we seemed.

I've come to realize a lot of the problem is that divorce has become too easy and many men and especially women forgot that a true relationship takes effort. It takes patience, forgiveness,  compassion, and yes a lot of love and great sex. The day of our wedding was hectic like it is for everyone but we snuck a quiet moment and made some vows to each other aside from the usual. We promised honesty with each other. We promised to not even allow the "D" word into our family dictionary.  We vowed to fight for each other. We promised to never go to bed angry, to kiss each other hello and goodbye every day, to say "I love you" often. Those first few years were hard. We had nights we fought all night. Days where that kiss was almost angry and the words felt heavy. Moments where I am sure we both wondered "Can I really keep doing this?". We faced down addictions and the loss of multiple pregnancies.  We moved states. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.  Honestly it took a good 5 years to really figure marriage and each other out.

Once we did though it has been pretty incredible. We don't really fight. We are a united team. Nothing is more important than the other and our kids. A huge part of our sucess is absolutely based on the kind of man my husband is. He puts us first always.  He places providing for us as a priority.  He also love just being with us. Watching tv, painting our daughter's nails, doing crafty things. He is a guys guy. He hunts, loves to camp and fish and shoot. However he knows that to make our family successful requires more than a paycheck. He talks to me and listens. We truly are best friends. He makes sure I and our daughters know how treasured we are. He shares his feelings with me. We also make sex a priority.  Some weeks are hard when he is tired from work and I'm hurting but we make an effort to keep that physical connection. 

To often women see sex as a tool and men see it as release. Relationships get ignored for career. We've learned though that because we have an incredible relationship it nourishes the rest. Real good men aren't hard to find they just are hard to keep. They instinctively know that the relationship is key and when a woman doesn't enrich it but instead wants pampering and care with no reciprocity men give up and stop being the men they want to be. If you don't love and feed your garden it withers. 


  1. "If you don't love and feed your garden it withers." And THAT is why I left my ex-wife after 15 years of marriage. At some point along the way she stopped giving and stopped caring. I'll never know why, because I've asked and she won't say. The first 7 were great, but the last 8 turned into a nightmare. There is nothing worse (figuratively) than being in the same room with your wife and feeling like you live alone.

  2. I am sorry. I truly shake my head when I hear of those who give up. Don't get me wrong, I believe some situations are to harmful to fix. No one needs abuse. Most of the time addiction can be a hard road for a couple. We were lucky there. I hope you find some peace. No one should feel alone or unloved.

  3. Bravo and well said! My husband and I are much the same, and yes, great sex is a very important part of a healthy marriage. Too many people are afraid to say it.

  4. I agree. I don't know when marriage became a no sex zone but that's just stupid. I truly don't understand it. For many couples you marry because that chemistry is so amazing you can't think of anything or anyone else. Then they marry and sex becomes nonexistent. They wonder where those feelings went. There is nothing more empowering for me, more fulfilling than the joy I know I can bring him with my body. That is a beautiful female power that needs to be utilized more in marriage and less to catch a man.


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