Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Writing inspiration

I've long been of a mind that fiction writers are the quiet crazy people of society. We take the constant bombardment of images and voices in our head and find a way to make it work for us rather than landing us in a psyche hold. We kill people, we explore the worlds beauty, depravity, and possibilities and make it entertainment.  (Hopefully)

I find inspiration in everything.  I once went to a writing seminar and an attendee asked the panel how it was possible that the romance genre still thrived. I fell in love with the answer. One writer said that if you give a sentence to a group of romance writers and tell them to write a book you will get completely different books every time even if the pattern is for a couple to fall in love. She gave an example of finding a naked woman on the side of the road. I went home and proceeded to outline and even begin a pretty fab concept on that sentence.

Writers often only need a word or an image to create an entire new world. We can hear a joke and see a book idea flow from it. Yesterday a friend posted a meme about finding your horror movie death. One of her friends commented that their answer was eaten by squirrel. I proceeded to name Zillasquirrel and even saw this squirrel enter my book to harass my heroine.

We see beauty in odd places. We see stories to be told, loves won, battles waged in every outing. I have really been enjoying letting my brain wander back to the stories.

Back to being insane on the down low.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

I know I'm in my own way but I feel stuck.

I've been looking for inspiration in many places these days. Trying to get back to writing. Sometimes just combing through the #writingprompt tag on twitter works to move me. Today the one that jumped was "Write about what is getting in your way."

Honestly I am in my own way. In my writing career, in my life in gerneral. I just have no idea what to do about it. Blaming my dad and the regular self esteem slaps or my fibro is easy and even truth in a way but honestly it comes down to fear. Fear of failing at writing, at being a wife and mom. Fear of the unknown. Fear of pushing my body into another setback. Fear of letting those I love down even more. Fear of my dreams being permanently taken.

It sucks to realize I am held by fear.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Good men: Are they really hard to find?

I recently joined twitter after one of the writers blogs I love said it was a very helpful avenue for creating connections and can be a huge help to a writing career. Since then I have been following things I love and people that inspire me. That leads to more awesome discoveries of writers, designers, fibro advocates, rights advocates, bloggers, ect. One website I stumbled into is called The Good Men Project. It is basically about what defines a good man in today's world.  How have male roles changed? Sex, love, communication?

People just getting to know me usually have a couple questions I find telling of our times and very interesging. Men and women both ask if my marriage truly is as good as I say or it seems. Women ask how I caught him or do I know others like him. This used to frustrate me. We married young. I was 18 to his 21. So the disbelief at first felt like a lack of confidence and faith in us. As more years passed though and I saw other couples married when we were fail and more and more divorce I realized it was a genuine shock at how happy we seemed.

I've come to realize a lot of the problem is that divorce has become too easy and many men and especially women forgot that a true relationship takes effort. It takes patience, forgiveness,  compassion, and yes a lot of love and great sex. The day of our wedding was hectic like it is for everyone but we snuck a quiet moment and made some vows to each other aside from the usual. We promised honesty with each other. We promised to not even allow the "D" word into our family dictionary.  We vowed to fight for each other. We promised to never go to bed angry, to kiss each other hello and goodbye every day, to say "I love you" often. Those first few years were hard. We had nights we fought all night. Days where that kiss was almost angry and the words felt heavy. Moments where I am sure we both wondered "Can I really keep doing this?". We faced down addictions and the loss of multiple pregnancies.  We moved states. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.  Honestly it took a good 5 years to really figure marriage and each other out.

Once we did though it has been pretty incredible. We don't really fight. We are a united team. Nothing is more important than the other and our kids. A huge part of our sucess is absolutely based on the kind of man my husband is. He puts us first always.  He places providing for us as a priority.  He also love just being with us. Watching tv, painting our daughter's nails, doing crafty things. He is a guys guy. He hunts, loves to camp and fish and shoot. However he knows that to make our family successful requires more than a paycheck. He talks to me and listens. We truly are best friends. He makes sure I and our daughters know how treasured we are. He shares his feelings with me. We also make sex a priority.  Some weeks are hard when he is tired from work and I'm hurting but we make an effort to keep that physical connection. 

To often women see sex as a tool and men see it as release. Relationships get ignored for career. We've learned though that because we have an incredible relationship it nourishes the rest. Real good men aren't hard to find they just are hard to keep. They instinctively know that the relationship is key and when a woman doesn't enrich it but instead wants pampering and care with no reciprocity men give up and stop being the men they want to be. If you don't love and feed your garden it withers. 

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Those who've put up with us for years know my passion for this day. I am open about all of me, my fibromyalgia,  my childhood,  my rights activism. I am also very open about the babies I've lost. I think there is no greater despair for a woman. It's the loss of a child but with the added knife twist of many not wanting to talk of it, to support the parents.

As soon as you get a positive test you envision the child's future.  Even if you aren't ready for motherhood or never wanted it for those moments and days following a positive test your brain swirls with the what if.

For the mother who miscarries that potential is suddenly gone, sometimes in a very traumatic way. The vision disappears.  And you are left alone. If you are lucky you dreamed with your spouse and he at least feels that emptiness with you.  Often it's just you. Alone in your body. Alone with your shattered dreams and expectations. 

My first pregnancy I was 17. I was terrified. I was doing my junior and senior years together. I was working 30+ hours each week. I fully expected the guy to walk away. To my shock he was stronger than I. He was there for me every moment, he proposed. So when we lost the pregnancy at 12 weeks he was as devastated if not more so. He gave me space but we did marry anyway about a year later. Then our Bug was born 10 months after that.

When she was 4 we were ready again. It took years. Then I got that test and I had never been so excited. A week later we lost it. I felt this loss so much more. We had been trying so long, I had about lost hope. Then I got a taste. My doc refused to test for anything until I had 3 consecutive losses.  So we got a new doc. She discovered hormone issues and when I got pregnant again immediately put me on added hormones to help. I carried our Monkey to term.

I was diagnosed with my fms when Monkey was about 9 months. It answered a lot. Infertility is common in fibromyalgia.  Hormone issues, womb issues.

So now we are going to try again with IVF. The extra help and monitoring we hope will help us. Not a day goes by where I forget about my lost angels though. I feel that loss all the time. I think it is a loss that never goes away.

Saturday, October 12, 2013


Something my life allows is a lot of time in my own head. Being a wife and mom is the best thing but add my illness and I'm not running this kid here and that one there, doing PTA, driving carpool, baking and crafting. Most days I hurt and so I sit and cuddle my kids and husband. However they are kids and need to play and do and be and he needs to sleep. So I get lost in my own brain. I read or write. I watch movies or play games. I think. A lot.

My musing has led to much reflecting on the path I've taken.  I've learned a lot about forgiveness.  I learned to forgive the mother who birthed me and spent those early years abusing me. I honestly believe she didn't know any better. She had no idea how to be a mother, how to comfort, to protect, to cherish. I learned to forgive my Dad and to let go. I think he truly did the best he could. In his world "lose weight, stop being stupid, stop crying, grow up, you can do better, ect..." was the way you taught a child to become a contributing member of society.  It honestly wasn't his fault I am a sensitive, empathetic person. That I ached for praise. I realized recently that I do fogive him. I just don't trust him, not with me or my children. That's a hard reality.  I also had to accept you can forgive without trust.

I have so many people I love. Family I treasure.  And I've come to see that the wounds and forgiveness of my past are what help me be a great mom, a loving wife. I still have moments where I struggle, where all I hear are the voices of my childhood. Then I look at my hands and see my wedding ring and my mother's ring and am reminded that I have grown into so much more and that my ability to forgive and be positive rather than wallow in negative thoughts is what will help shape my girls into strong women.

They are so like me. So sensitive,  so empathetic,  so easy to bruise. I see my eldest struggle in ways I did and know part of that was because we were so young when she was born. We learned hard with her. But she has one thing I didn't.  Parents who love her and each other and who tell her so every day, who teach her her beauty and worth. Who teach her forgiveness.  It is one of the best gifts after all.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

vasovagal syncope

   Trust me it's a good thing.
    Spike was finally diagnosed yesterday. He is allowed to play football, run mile club, participate in PE and rough house with his brothers and friends. That made him a happy boy.
   The doctor wrote him a note saying he needed to carry his Gatorade and a bag of chips with him at all times. This made him a VERY happy boy! He even wrote him a doctor ordered hall pass so he can go to the bathroom any time he needs. I think we like this doctor.
Spike will still faint at times, but it's not dangerous. He needs to up his fluid intake (64+ oz, mostly Gatorade) and eat as much salty junk food as he wants. If he isn't getting enough salt, he can also take a capsule filled with salt. Those are the only changes he will have to make.
   Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.