Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Those who've put up with us for years know my passion for this day. I am open about all of me, my fibromyalgia,  my childhood,  my rights activism. I am also very open about the babies I've lost. I think there is no greater despair for a woman. It's the loss of a child but with the added knife twist of many not wanting to talk of it, to support the parents.

As soon as you get a positive test you envision the child's future.  Even if you aren't ready for motherhood or never wanted it for those moments and days following a positive test your brain swirls with the what if.

For the mother who miscarries that potential is suddenly gone, sometimes in a very traumatic way. The vision disappears.  And you are left alone. If you are lucky you dreamed with your spouse and he at least feels that emptiness with you.  Often it's just you. Alone in your body. Alone with your shattered dreams and expectations. 

My first pregnancy I was 17. I was terrified. I was doing my junior and senior years together. I was working 30+ hours each week. I fully expected the guy to walk away. To my shock he was stronger than I. He was there for me every moment, he proposed. So when we lost the pregnancy at 12 weeks he was as devastated if not more so. He gave me space but we did marry anyway about a year later. Then our Bug was born 10 months after that.

When she was 4 we were ready again. It took years. Then I got that test and I had never been so excited. A week later we lost it. I felt this loss so much more. We had been trying so long, I had about lost hope. Then I got a taste. My doc refused to test for anything until I had 3 consecutive losses.  So we got a new doc. She discovered hormone issues and when I got pregnant again immediately put me on added hormones to help. I carried our Monkey to term.

I was diagnosed with my fms when Monkey was about 9 months. It answered a lot. Infertility is common in fibromyalgia.  Hormone issues, womb issues.

So now we are going to try again with IVF. The extra help and monitoring we hope will help us. Not a day goes by where I forget about my lost angels though. I feel that loss all the time. I think it is a loss that never goes away.

The OTHER reason October is important to me.

October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Many who read the blog know my story. If you are new though I will share my thoughts again.

I have been blessed with 4 babies! They light my life. They are my world. 2 of them I lost during pregnancy. As my health journey has progressed I have learned that often FMS women have difficulty in pregnancy and that my lack of progesterone is not to surprising once you know I have FMS. Yay! I look around me and know so many women who have lost babies. I know their heart break, their fear as they try again. I know the anguish. Last year Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope started the I Am The Face campaign to help raise awareness and remove the silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss. I eagerly joined that movement. I love Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. They provide support online and locally to so many who are now facing loss. I also very much want the world to talk to those of us who deal with this. We want to remember our babies. We want to smile about them and cry about them and be free to talk about them and the pregnancy. There were good moments for all of us. So please spread the hope and the word. 1 out of 4 women will face this huge loss. They need our love and our kindness. They need our hugs. They need to be able to talk about it without being hidden away.

A cause very close to my heart.

For the newcomers to the blog I will share the background before making my plea. I am a fertility dud. Hubby and I have had 2 losses that we know of. When I had my most recent loss in 2008 my then doctor told me she would do nothing to see what the issue was until I had 3 consecutive losses. Since I had carried a healthy baby to term that meant she wanted 2 more miscarriages. Well I was a mess. I was suicidal. It had taken years for us to conceive each pregnancy. I was then referred to a new OBGYN by a friend from church who was facing the same thing. After some testing we discovered I didn't produce the correct hormones to sustain pregnancy and had very likely had multiple early miscarriages. I was lucky enough that my new doctor's hope and those tests meant that when I came up pregnant again fairly quickly I was put on meds and after a rough pregnancy was able to have our little Monkey. But I still grieved at the thought of all the potential babies I knew about or didn't know about. I knew that I physically and mentally could not handle more losses and made the choice to tie my tubes. I wanted to feel less alone. Another baby loss Mom led me to an amazing organization called Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. They are all about raising awareness of pregnancy and infant loss and giving support to the parents of those sweet little ones. They have applied for a grant in the Pepsi Refresh Contest and need votes. So I am asking you to vote. Vote for your mom, your wife, your sister, your daughter, your friend. Vote for every woman who has or will have to go through this very painful experience. This group gives support and comfort when it seems like no one else on earth can possibly understand. They deserve to gain the ability to spread their love farther!

A loss is never the end.

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. After I worked my way through those first months of grief and anger and fear I have not been shy about talking about my losses. I think the more society is aware of how truly prevalent this horrible tragic experience is the less it will be a hidden and taboo subject. I heard someone say recently when being asked when they would "Get over" the loss of their child "You never get over anything. That was my child and I lost her BUT I can move forward and I am. She would have wanted me to continue to live my life." For me that is such a truth. I still have moments where I ache. I have moments where I wonder what our lives would be like. I have even blogged on those feelings before. I think every parent that has lost their baby has rough moments no matter what comes after in their lives. It doesn't matter to us if we were pregnant for a week or we carried to term and suffered our loss later. Those little innocent beings were our babies. They were a piece of us. Sometimes we NEED to talk about them and all we need is for others to listen and to let us talk. Our grief is valid, our heartache is real. Those of us who are lucky enough to have validation move forward in a more healthy way but we shouldn't be the only ones. Every single parent who looses a baby should be able to get the love, support, and validation that they need. They should be able to talk openly about their experience without fear of others judgment, comment, or heaven forbid ridicule. Every other baby-loss parent I have talked to has said the same thing to me. They want to be able to have a weak moment without feeling like it's wrong to feel that way. If we start to talk to you about it out of the blue then it is probably a weak moment. Our breath has rushed from our bodies, our hearts of cracked a little and in that moment we have to talk about our loss. Listen. Don't turn away, don't pat us on the hand and say quiet platitudes. We know we will get through it because we work on it every day. Just let us feel what we feel and once the moment has passed and we have expressed what we needed to and feel like you understand and care we will probably get back to the joys and turmoil of life. When you are a parent and you suffer this loss you are forever changed and you need to be able to be changed and not hide it away and pretend it never happened. It doesn't just go away. A loss really is never the end of anything especially when it is a loss like this.

A mother's love.

For Valentine's Day my guy got me a Mother's Ring. We sat and designed it together. It has both girl's names inscribed on either side. The middle is made of two intertwined hearts and each heart has one of the girls birthstones in it. It came yesterday after weeks of waiting and it is beautiful. I find a part of me feeling sad too. It almost feels as if it is missing something. When we designed it we talked about adding our lost babies to the ring. I would add the stones of their due date month. I decided not to for a couple reasons. 1- Naming our angels now or just labeling them as angels seemed off. 2- I've always believed and found comfort in the thought that the little spirits meant for me kept trying until they received a body that was exactly perfect for what they needed to fulfill their purpose on Earth. So for me the losses were really Bug and Squeak working to prepare their earthly bodies. This thought has brought much comfort in those moments where I wonder if I am supposed to be a mother to more children or if I am dishonoring children given to me just because they did not have a chance to be born.

Seeing my ring made my heart stutter for a moment as not only was the joy and wondrous gift of my girl's brought close to my heart but the losses also surfaced. I know that while I go through my journey on earth the answers are not always easily found. I have my moments where I wonder why me? Why did I have to suffer loss? Why was I granted such a miracle in carrying Bug without help when my body should not have been able too. Why did I have to find out that I most likely suffered more losses than I knew of? Why was I given the gift of the proper medicine to allow me to carry Squeak to term? I know that one day I will have these answers. I know that I have been given amazing blessings. I have these two perfect girls. They love to cuddle and play together. They give me the most amazing hugs and kisses. Each one has such beauty and grace even in such a tiny person as Squeak still is. Each has beautiful potential and such sweet little personalities. I know I am blessed beyond imagining. Still I can't help but wonder. If my belief is wrong and each loss was it's own soul, its own unique person then what would they look like now? Would they be boys or girls? Would they have the same sweet giving heart as their sisters? I hope one day I can find out!

Until then I will look at my ring and be reminded not only of the treasures I have in the form of my daughters but also of the treasures I have lost and I will feel the love I have for all of them. My grief is a pale shadow when compared to my love!