The OTHER reason October is important to me.

October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Many who read the blog know my story. If you are new though I will share my thoughts again.

I have been blessed with 4 babies! They light my life. They are my world. 2 of them I lost during pregnancy. As my health journey has progressed I have learned that often FMS women have difficulty in pregnancy and that my lack of progesterone is not to surprising once you know I have FMS. Yay! I look around me and know so many women who have lost babies. I know their heart break, their fear as they try again. I know the anguish. Last year Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope started the I Am The Face campaign to help raise awareness and remove the silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss. I eagerly joined that movement. I love Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. They provide support online and locally to so many who are now facing loss. I also very much want the world to talk to those of us who deal with this. We want to remember our babies. We want to smile about them and cry about them and be free to talk about them and the pregnancy. There were good moments for all of us. So please spread the hope and the word. 1 out of 4 women will face this huge loss. They need our love and our kindness. They need our hugs. They need to be able to talk about it without being hidden away.

Why my mom is my mom.

The woman who gave birth to me did only two things that I can thank her for. She gave birth to me and she gave birth to my brother. Otherwise her drugs were more important to her and still are. She was out of my life when I was 5 and I did not see her again until my father flew her in for my wedding. She hardly spoke and did not add to it at all. I thought seeing her would be this amazing reunion. I was the little girl who dreamed of a mother who adored me but just couldn't be there. I learned that day who my mother was. It was not the woman who gave birth to me and ignored me for years. Instead my MOTHER was the woman who lovingly handmade my wedding dress out of my old prom dress because I could not afford anything else and my dad wasn't to keen to help either. (He later did help.) She went to all the appointments to pick flowers and food and she altered the bridesmaid dresses that needed it. She helped me get ready while the woman who carried me in her womb hid in a hotel nearby. When my first child was born she drove 2 hours to be there to help coach me through labor and keep my hubby from passing out as he watched me in pain. When my second was born she flew 2 states away just to be backup in case hubby couldn't handle the surgery and to help me through that first day. She loves my children more than anything. She treats me like she does the children she birthed. The true miracle of this is that she and my dad divorced not long after my marriage. She had no reason to keep me in her life. Every other woman my dad brought into our lives left when the relationship ended. She stayed. She is my Mom in ever single sense of the word and I am so amazingly grateful for her and for that. On days when it feel like no one is on my side but my husband I know she has my back. She calls just to check on me or say hi. My dad doesn't even do that. It is pretty amazing to feel like I finally have a mom. (I also got 2 pretty awesome sisters out of the deal and a brother who is pretty great too!!)

A mother's love.

For Valentine's Day my guy got me a Mother's Ring. We sat and designed it together. It has both girl's names inscribed on either side. The middle is made of two intertwined hearts and each heart has one of the girls birthstones in it. It came yesterday after weeks of waiting and it is beautiful. I find a part of me feeling sad too. It almost feels as if it is missing something. When we designed it we talked about adding our lost babies to the ring. I would add the stones of their due date month. I decided not to for a couple reasons. 1- Naming our angels now or just labeling them as angels seemed off. 2- I've always believed and found comfort in the thought that the little spirits meant for me kept trying until they received a body that was exactly perfect for what they needed to fulfill their purpose on Earth. So for me the losses were really Bug and Squeak working to prepare their earthly bodies. This thought has brought much comfort in those moments where I wonder if I am supposed to be a mother to more children or if I am dishonoring children given to me just because they did not have a chance to be born.

Seeing my ring made my heart stutter for a moment as not only was the joy and wondrous gift of my girl's brought close to my heart but the losses also surfaced. I know that while I go through my journey on earth the answers are not always easily found. I have my moments where I wonder why me? Why did I have to suffer loss? Why was I granted such a miracle in carrying Bug without help when my body should not have been able too. Why did I have to find out that I most likely suffered more losses than I knew of? Why was I given the gift of the proper medicine to allow me to carry Squeak to term? I know that one day I will have these answers. I know that I have been given amazing blessings. I have these two perfect girls. They love to cuddle and play together. They give me the most amazing hugs and kisses. Each one has such beauty and grace even in such a tiny person as Squeak still is. Each has beautiful potential and such sweet little personalities. I know I am blessed beyond imagining. Still I can't help but wonder. If my belief is wrong and each loss was it's own soul, its own unique person then what would they look like now? Would they be boys or girls? Would they have the same sweet giving heart as their sisters? I hope one day I can find out!

Until then I will look at my ring and be reminded not only of the treasures I have in the form of my daughters but also of the treasures I have lost and I will feel the love I have for all of them. My grief is a pale shadow when compared to my love!