A mother's love.

For Valentine's Day my guy got me a Mother's Ring. We sat and designed it together. It has both girl's names inscribed on either side. The middle is made of two intertwined hearts and each heart has one of the girls birthstones in it. It came yesterday after weeks of waiting and it is beautiful. I find a part of me feeling sad too. It almost feels as if it is missing something. When we designed it we talked about adding our lost babies to the ring. I would add the stones of their due date month. I decided not to for a couple reasons. 1- Naming our angels now or just labeling them as angels seemed off. 2- I've always believed and found comfort in the thought that the little spirits meant for me kept trying until they received a body that was exactly perfect for what they needed to fulfill their purpose on Earth. So for me the losses were really Bug and Squeak working to prepare their earthly bodies. This thought has brought much comfort in those moments where I wonder if I am supposed to be a mother to more children or if I am dishonoring children given to me just because they did not have a chance to be born.

Seeing my ring made my heart stutter for a moment as not only was the joy and wondrous gift of my girl's brought close to my heart but the losses also surfaced. I know that while I go through my journey on earth the answers are not always easily found. I have my moments where I wonder why me? Why did I have to suffer loss? Why was I granted such a miracle in carrying Bug without help when my body should not have been able too. Why did I have to find out that I most likely suffered more losses than I knew of? Why was I given the gift of the proper medicine to allow me to carry Squeak to term? I know that one day I will have these answers. I know that I have been given amazing blessings. I have these two perfect girls. They love to cuddle and play together. They give me the most amazing hugs and kisses. Each one has such beauty and grace even in such a tiny person as Squeak still is. Each has beautiful potential and such sweet little personalities. I know I am blessed beyond imagining. Still I can't help but wonder. If my belief is wrong and each loss was it's own soul, its own unique person then what would they look like now? Would they be boys or girls? Would they have the same sweet giving heart as their sisters? I hope one day I can find out!

Until then I will look at my ring and be reminded not only of the treasures I have in the form of my daughters but also of the treasures I have lost and I will feel the love I have for all of them. My grief is a pale shadow when compared to my love!

Women's birthing rights!

I am all about a woman's right to choose. When and how and if are human rights and a woman is a human being last time I checked. I saw this story on CNN and felt a bit surprised that still hospitals are refusing to do certain things for "safety". Yes a VBAC can up the chance of complications but if your doc is skilled and you want to at least try for one then they hospital should support that. I choose a c-section with Squeak because my birth experience with Bug still affects me and I was so glad I had the choice. Every woman should have a choice

Happiness thy name is Nursery!

So we have all the blinds and fans up and were able to get to Squeaks room. She has been sleeping in her playpen in our room since we moved in and before that in her crib in our room. My MIL had our 3rd room so we needed her with us, plus she was still pretty new. Anyway now she has her own room. I have been nervous about moving her but boy was it wonderful. Last night I put her down in her room at 7:30 and she slept until 12:30, nursed and slept again until 4 when she was ready to come sleep with me. It was bliss. She had been waking every few hours and when Hubs leaves for work super early she was wide awake for that making me have very little sleep. She slept so great. I think she missed her bed. When we put her in it after we had put it together she giggled and wiggled and scooted all over. I am a very happy Mama today!

My new favorite teething treat!

So Squeak is approaching the 6 month mark. She has been eating baby food for a while now. She loves peas and carrots the best! She has a snack food called Mum-mums that are like rice crackers that she is also pretty fond of. We are now fully into teething. She gets the fever, the crying that only being held fixes, the swollen gums. Poor thing is miserable. I have people tell me ice cubes work, or jerky, or a wet washcloth or a host of other things. I have discovered though that Squeak loves frozen Apple slices. Now it can be a little messy as they thaw but man do they quiet her down and help her poor mouth feel better!!