Epiphany Dreams.

My favorite dreams are the ones that reveal something, that help us grow and learn. I dream a lot. it is actually a bad thing health wise as I don't slide into that deeper healing sleep easily but for my imagination it is a boon. I get many book ideas from my dreams. I get to be the tough badass supermom in my dreams that my body won't allow in reality. And every so often something pops through my dreams that defines the epiphany.

I usually have many dreams a night. If its a great story idea I try to note it down. This mornings final dream was lovely and one worth sharing.

It was Christmas and so beautiful out. I was in the mountains at some type of resort type place. It seemed like hundreds of people where there. So many families. There were trees and snow and a lake that was weirdly not frozen. In my dream we were doing different family things as a larger group and as just my little family. Games, and snow fights, boat rides and sledding. It was beautiful. But I began to notice a problem. Many of the families, and I recognized a lot of friends, of tv families, of celebrities, were not happy. The kids were fighting, the parents were oblivious. As some tried to decorate for the holiday others were miserable. Then one night we were gathered together for some type of pageant or display and I had decided enough was enough. I stood in front of all those people, many who were bickering and I told them to knock it off. I told them that they had forgotten their purpose. That the purpose of life was to parent a child. That it didn't matter how that dynamic looked. It didn't matter how a family was constructed but every adult had a responsibility to be the best they could be with a thought for the next generation in mind. That our job was to teach them a legacy of strength, compassion, honesty, generosity, and survival. We need to teach them skills that matter by showing them what matters.

Then I woke to my 4 year old Monkey yelling from down stairs for some cereal and I had to chuckle. It was funny to go from such peace to such yelling BUT I realized the thoughts were true. Every adult is a parent. It may be in the role of a teacher or a counselor. An aunt or uncle or just a family friend but we all interact with children and the children in our lives look to us to teach them. Yes the main teaching needs to be from their actual parent however we all need to be striving for more for them. They truly are our future. I know the kind of future I want to see and for them to have. Do you?

The OTHER reason October is important to me.

October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Many who read the blog know my story. If you are new though I will share my thoughts again.

I have been blessed with 4 babies! They light my life. They are my world. 2 of them I lost during pregnancy. As my health journey has progressed I have learned that often FMS women have difficulty in pregnancy and that my lack of progesterone is not to surprising once you know I have FMS. Yay! I look around me and know so many women who have lost babies. I know their heart break, their fear as they try again. I know the anguish. Last year Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope started the I Am The Face campaign to help raise awareness and remove the silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss. I eagerly joined that movement. I love Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. They provide support online and locally to so many who are now facing loss. I also very much want the world to talk to those of us who deal with this. We want to remember our babies. We want to smile about them and cry about them and be free to talk about them and the pregnancy. There were good moments for all of us. So please spread the hope and the word. 1 out of 4 women will face this huge loss. They need our love and our kindness. They need our hugs. They need to be able to talk about it without being hidden away.

A cause very close to my heart.

For the newcomers to the blog I will share the background before making my plea. I am a fertility dud. Hubby and I have had 2 losses that we know of. When I had my most recent loss in 2008 my then doctor told me she would do nothing to see what the issue was until I had 3 consecutive losses. Since I had carried a healthy baby to term that meant she wanted 2 more miscarriages. Well I was a mess. I was suicidal. It had taken years for us to conceive each pregnancy. I was then referred to a new OBGYN by a friend from church who was facing the same thing. After some testing we discovered I didn't produce the correct hormones to sustain pregnancy and had very likely had multiple early miscarriages. I was lucky enough that my new doctor's hope and those tests meant that when I came up pregnant again fairly quickly I was put on meds and after a rough pregnancy was able to have our little Monkey. But I still grieved at the thought of all the potential babies I knew about or didn't know about. I knew that I physically and mentally could not handle more losses and made the choice to tie my tubes. I wanted to feel less alone. Another baby loss Mom led me to an amazing organization called Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. They are all about raising awareness of pregnancy and infant loss and giving support to the parents of those sweet little ones. They have applied for a grant in the Pepsi Refresh Contest and need votes. So I am asking you to vote. Vote for your mom, your wife, your sister, your daughter, your friend. Vote for every woman who has or will have to go through this very painful experience. This group gives support and comfort when it seems like no one else on earth can possibly understand. They deserve to gain the ability to spread their love farther!

A new world is evolving.

Right now the news has spread faster than any wildfire. Osama Bin Laden is dead. He was killed by a U.S. seal team yesterday in Pakistan after months of planning and just a few months shy of the 10th anniversary of 9/11. I see many thanking Bush and bashing Obama or bashing Bush and thanking Obama. All are thanking the troops. I have seen news accounts of parties and tears, of grief renewed and faith restored.

To me the downfall of Bin Laden and those like him has always been a given. The world's peoples will not tolerate being treated like expendable trash for long. The majority population is becoming younger, more able to communicate with one another, and those in countries where tyranny and oppression are a way of life are able to more easily glimpse how their democratic peers live life and have begun to fight for that freedom. As those fights have spread it became even more inevitable that terrorists would loose their havens. Despite the difference in thought through the major nations of the middle east about the United States and our allies they have all seen that these factions do not help them at all. They want these destroyers of life and humanity even less than we do because these groups claim to be helping cleanse the world while using their religion as a reason.

I woke this morning feeling a lightness in my chest that had settled there last night as I listened to the President make the announcement. That feeling was not because of the death of a man, or because of a firefight that caused it. It was because Bin Laden was more than just a man. To the children of America he was the boogieman. To those of us old enough to process what truly happened on 9/11 he was a destroyer of life. He was the ringleader of an evil empire bent on destroying all that we held dear. He was the reason our airports became a nightmare and our embassies were always well guarded around the world. To a small group he was a banner of purpose, a driving force, a beacon of truth to rally behind as they aimed their hatred and fury towards those they wanted dead. Just by his very breathing they took hope and strength. Now he is dead, his mission is in tatters and while I am sure retaliation will come it will not be what it might have been. He was the arrow that all who hated used to draw their bows. Now the arrow is gone and they have to try to fire their bows anyway. I am sure they will try. I expect there will be small and even large attempts. I doubt they will have the destructive power they once did.

So today as I feel lighter because we as a country have proven that we never give up, we never give in, and we never ever let a bully win I give thanks. i give thanks first to the troops who fight every day to keep us safe. They do so tirelessly and deserve every single ounce of credit. I also give thanks to President Obama, President Bush, and even President Clinton. All three have had to deal with the chaos caused by this man and the villainy he created and each one took steps that lead to this result. It was not any single one but the effort of all and all deserve praise. This is not about their politics. This is not about who you voted for. This is about justice being done.

I saw this on Facebook and liked it:

Now I lay me down to sleep, one less terrorist this world does keep. With all my heart I give my thanks, to those in uniform regardless of ranks. You serve our country and serve it well, with humble hearts your stories tell. So as I rest my weary eyes, while freedom rings our flag still flies. You give your all, do what you must...with God we live and God we trust. Amen.

Amazing Rescue and Mining In My Life.

Who is not is awe by the rescue of the miners in Chile? 28 men are out as of now with 5 to go. These men are miracles. 2,000 feet down, buried under 700,000 tons of rock for 69 days. They have broken every mine disaster survival record by a landslide. Heck they have broken most disaster records. To be so far down with so few rations and to survive for so long is beyond miraculous. No one in recorded history has survived being trapped this deep for this long. They made 48 hours worth of food last well over 2 weeks. As they are emerging from the depths they are looking to be in better health than anyone could have ever imagined. Some are showing mental issues once they reach the hospital but that is to be expected. I know I would be a basket case if I had endured this.

This is by far not the worlds worst mining disaster. In fact it won't even rate if measured by casualties because lives have not been lost. The survival is what makes this story unique, the amazing rescue is what makes this story unique. Mining in general ranks as one of the deadliest professions in the world. Luckily the US isn't the worst place to be with 69 deaths in 2006-2007 according to MSHA and 11800 injuries reported. Other countries are not so lucky. China reports thousands of deaths each year.

Despite living in a country that tries to protect its miners we all know that does not always happen. We lost 29 coal miners in April of this year. It was one of the deadliest losses in decades for the US. If you also add the deaths related to mining the count jumps. Mining is a hard life. It is a back breaking life. Some of the men (and women but for this purpose I am going to not be politically correct.) choose this life for the money or the job security, some feel they have no other choice as it is the only real job source for miles, others follow behind fathers and uncles, and some just love digging in the earth. Still others do it not for what they pull from the ground but what is formed once the pulling is done. Tunnel builders are miners too, they just don't do it for what is in the ground but what they build beneath it. Hubby has done both. He worked in coal when we were first married as a subcontractor. He did the weld work on the support system. Every day he went 14 miles below ground and welded in a sometimes combustible atmosphere that was always dangerous. He was always in an unstable zone and there to make it more stable. Now he builds tunnels. The jobs he has been on so far have been under the water table so if a cave in occurs there is no chance of a void to keep him safe. Mud and water will fill each and every crevice. If he wasn't crushed he would drown. This newest job seems to be pretty unstable as well. You can never know exactly what every inch of ground is going to be made up of until you are in it despite all the geologic checking in the world. He will still go every day though because he loves it and because his job improves life. In this particular job it ensures a water supply for the area when they are at risk of loosing it.

The family of a miner also has to step up. We have to send our men off every day with a smile knowing they are at risk. We need to be supportive. We need to always understand that they are in a high stress situation for hours every work day and with that comes a need to let off steam. I am blessed that Hubby's release is watching movies and hunting. I also have to hide my fear. Hearing my worry does nothing but take his mind off of his job and that can cause more harm than good. I live knowing that in my husband's case rescue is a slim shot. Recovery is probably even a slim shot. I also will not ever ask him to stop doing what he loves despite the physical and mental toll. I am so proud of him and of the work he does. I will always be proud to be a miner's wife!!

I know there are many other dangerous jobs. There are many men and women who risk their lives every day to do what they do to make the world a better place and many families who love and support them as they do it. I respect each and every one of them immeasurably and am not writing this to take away from them. I am writing this because I want the world to be aware of the amazing job that miners do every day and the stress they face to do it. They deserve more miracles such as the one we are watching today.

The hard truth....

Tonight I was watching a movie I had never seen. Based on a well known teen book series it falls into the category of husband will never watch with me. One of the characters was dying. As she lay under the stars discussing this with a friend she said something that struck home for me. She said that it wasn't death that scared her but more that she would not be able to become who she was supposed to be or that she would miss so much. I have always been afraid of death and I think this explains it better. It is not that I lack faith in what lays beyond this life but that once this life is over I will not have become what I was meant to be or that I will miss things in the lives of people I love. I think that is why I worry so much about death and keeping it at bay. I strive to be the best mother and wife that I can be. I put my heart and soul into all I do for my girls and all the life that I live. I make sure that every moment of every day my husband knows that I love him, that I have always loved him, and that my love for him grows richer and fuller with each breath we take together. I am devoted to my family, to Gracie and Maggy, to being all I can for them. My greatest fear is not the dying but that I will not have fulfilled something for those that I love that I should have. I know that all of my life is in the hands of a higher power, I trust that all will be as it should, I just hope that as it should be is after a long life of seeing my girls grown and happy and of having my marriage continuing to thrive and grow as each year passes.

Things that make you feel good

The most gratifying thing I do at the moment is working with the rescue. I love taking a dog from certain death at the pound and working on any issues they might have. When we are done with them they are social, healthy, unable to reproduce, and ready for a home.

There are two dogs that I feel even better about than the others. One is a dog that was on a leash being led into the back room of the pound to be put to sleep when I called about her. She is THE BEST dog. My brother adopted her and thinks she is just the greatest thing ever.

The other dog is Hope. Hope was hit by a car when she was 9 weeks old. Her owner knew she was escaping from her yard but was not worried because she only ever went next door. Seriously? She had the dog for ONE WEEK! How does she know what the dog always does? Anyway, I digress. Hope was picked up by animal control bleeding and in pain. She was taken to a local veterinary clinic and I was called. A worker at the pound was hoping I could find a golden retriever rescue to step in and help this puppy. I found two rescues that might be willing to help. In the meantime, the owner was located and claimed the dog. She could not afford the extensive care this dog would need but refused to let anyone else step in and save her. She said she would rather put Hope down than let a rescue take her. It took me almost three days, but I finally convinced her that no one was trying to steal her dog and it was going to cost more in vet bills than any rescue would get in adoption fees. She made everyone wait several more hours while she got primped and made her way to the vets office. When the papers were signed, I was allowed back to take pictures of Hope for the rescue that was going to foot the bill. This is what I saw:

Hope had a crushed pelvis, two snapped femur heads and her tail had been amputated by the car. She went through two surguries. One to fix the legs and pelvis and one to finish the tail amputation. She had 45 stitches on her back legs and rump.

Soon after her surguries she went to another state where the rescue was located. She was adopted by her foster family and is very happy. I got new pictures of her in my email a few days ago and was stunned. She runs and plays and is a beautiful healthy young dog.

Find the hope!

So once again the all to common news article has appeared about a parent killing their children, spouse, and then themselves due to money worries. We have been hearing about so many who have lost all hope and resorted to death to leave their worries behind.

Granted I know how money worries can cast a dark shadow over life. I know how it feels to wonder where the next paycheck was coming from. Luckily we have remained fairly steady through this downward economic time. We lost about half of the hub's retirement fund but we are young enough to be able to bounce back probably. Hubs has remained employed and we are moving and able to use the housing trend to purchase our own first home. However we had some very very lean years in the beginning. Where Hubs worked 2 jobs and I worked 1. Never though did the hope fade that we would be able to make a better life for us and our children.

The biggest problem with the current economical trend is that so many are loosing their hope. Hope is the one thing that can get us through rough times. This will pass, a new day will dawn, we will recover. We will learn from this and make better choices in the future. We can and will be okay!