Epiphany Dreams.

My favorite dreams are the ones that reveal something, that help us grow and learn. I dream a lot. it is actually a bad thing health wise as I don't slide into that deeper healing sleep easily but for my imagination it is a boon. I get many book ideas from my dreams. I get to be the tough badass supermom in my dreams that my body won't allow in reality. And every so often something pops through my dreams that defines the epiphany.

I usually have many dreams a night. If its a great story idea I try to note it down. This mornings final dream was lovely and one worth sharing.

It was Christmas and so beautiful out. I was in the mountains at some type of resort type place. It seemed like hundreds of people where there. So many families. There were trees and snow and a lake that was weirdly not frozen. In my dream we were doing different family things as a larger group and as just my little family. Games, and snow fights, boat rides and sledding. It was beautiful. But I began to notice a problem. Many of the families, and I recognized a lot of friends, of tv families, of celebrities, were not happy. The kids were fighting, the parents were oblivious. As some tried to decorate for the holiday others were miserable. Then one night we were gathered together for some type of pageant or display and I had decided enough was enough. I stood in front of all those people, many who were bickering and I told them to knock it off. I told them that they had forgotten their purpose. That the purpose of life was to parent a child. That it didn't matter how that dynamic looked. It didn't matter how a family was constructed but every adult had a responsibility to be the best they could be with a thought for the next generation in mind. That our job was to teach them a legacy of strength, compassion, honesty, generosity, and survival. We need to teach them skills that matter by showing them what matters.

Then I woke to my 4 year old Monkey yelling from down stairs for some cereal and I had to chuckle. It was funny to go from such peace to such yelling BUT I realized the thoughts were true. Every adult is a parent. It may be in the role of a teacher or a counselor. An aunt or uncle or just a family friend but we all interact with children and the children in our lives look to us to teach them. Yes the main teaching needs to be from their actual parent however we all need to be striving for more for them. They truly are our future. I know the kind of future I want to see and for them to have. Do you?

Not hard to stay sober.... is it?

I was checking out at the grocery store the other day when the man behind me said something I couldn't help but overhear. It took everything I had to restrain myself actually. I was with my girls and he was with his wife and child so just felt the kiddos didn't need to hear the boiling thoughts in my head.

He was looking at the tabloid headlines and saw one I had noticed that said "Lindsey Lohan fighting to stay sober" His comment was, "I just don't get it. It can't be that hard to stay sober. Just stop drinking the alcohol or doing the drugs. Done. Sober."

Seriously? I wish it were that easy. I've been the child of an addict, the addict, and am the wife of a recovering alcoholic. I have seen every side of that issue. I know how it feels to wake up and crave, to eat a certain meal and crave, to stress and crave, to hurt and crave. I walked my path due to my pain. I hurt and no one believed me so I turned to using to cope. I lied to people. I manipulated. I did a lot I am not proud of and all before I was 17.

I wish it were easy. I wish you just made the choice and then poof....done. But people don't become addicts because it is glamorous and fun. They do it because they need the escape for some reason. They don't want to face something. The using is what is easy. It's the fight to stay sober that takes desire, a day to day effort and choice. It takes a lot of support from loved ones and community. 

Being Thankful..... Mostly.

It is November, the season of thanks. SO I have tried every day to post what I am thankful for in my life. And boy do I have so much. I truly am so very blessed. I have a husband who has always without fail been my knight. He fights for me. He keeps me safe. He knew there was more going on with my health than we thought and pushed for answers even when I had allowed past issues to make me wonder if i wasn't just crazy and lazy and broken. I see so many with this disease who are alone because the people around them abandon them and refuse to believe them. I know a few who still have loved ones close but are abused because they are faking it, or lazy, or liars, or manipulators.

I have my kids and that is incredible. Their births were miracles. They grow more beautiful every day in personality, character, and grace. They are supportive of my bad days and great fun on the good.

I have extended family who always backs me up, parents not by blood who choose to love me and be supportive of me. I have some great docs trying to get me healthy, I have a home that is a bit big for me but perfect for hosting visitors. (We have over 30 at Thanksgiving) I have food to cook. I have a vehicle that I adore that lets me go visiting if I want to. I have my imagination that has led to my writing that hopefully leads to some published books. I have a great page with awesome fans that I hope to get back to some fundraising work on.

Life is good. Honestly almost perfect. Except.... The other day my brother made a post on his fb page for the whole world to see. He posted how excited he was to come visit for a whole week at Thanksgiving. First real visit in over 2 years. I think last time he was here Lexi was turning 2. She is now almost 5. So actually almost 3 years. He then said he just wished he could be with our father and I at the same time and asked my thoughts. On his open facebook.

Talk about put on the spot. I tried to be very polite and somewhat vague as I have multiple coworkers on my page. Yet he pressed and pressed. To the point of telling me he hoped it wasn't his or dad's death that brought me around and that I wasn't being fair to him or my kids or my dad.

Now I know my Dad is upset by the fact I asked for space. Complete space. And I realized I want that space because I do not trust him. When I call is it nice accepting dad or ranting dad who belittles and demeans and expects me to ignore that? I don't trust him to handle my children the way I ask.

And my brother knows this. And I wish, just one time, he said "I don't necessarily agree with your choice but I am behind whatever you need to do 100%. I want you to feel good and feel happy in your life. I understand that stress makes you ill and know that sometimes for that moment you have to make choices that might seem harsh. I love you."

Instead I feel pressured and pushed and stressed and like I am the bad guy when it shouldn't be about good or bad and just about me needing time. I have never had a blood relative (other than my kids) say to me "I back you 100%, I accept you. I am proud of you and I think you are beautiful and perfect just the way you are." I may be an adult but there is still a part of me that craves that. I get it from my in laws, from my adoptive family. I get it from friends who have become family. Yet the 2 people in the world I need it from seem unable to give that unconditional love and acceptance.

People never cease to amaze me.

Every day I read news, both sides of the spectrum and everything in between. I find it nice to view all sides. So I see plenty of the negative going on. Stabbing, shooting, war, cover ups, candle blah blah blah. So when something of the sort hits closer to home I honestly have hit a point where I just shake my head.

As a Damsel I did a lot of events. Small vendor fairs, school fundraisers, gun shows. I loved them because I got to meet people and push at my social anxiety. One of the local vendor groups I joined is ran by a lovely woman so when she teamed up with another woman to be an event organizer I jumped on it. I signed up for at least 1 event every month May-December. Some months had 3 events. May was canceled. June I was asked to give one up to another to make up for a double booking. I did my second June event and then the 3rd was canceled. I paid over $300 total for everything. Once the heat hit my FMS went nuts. I seriously was almost bed bound if not house bound. I never went out, especially after 11 AM and without help. I knew I had to pull out. When I went to do so I discovered problems had been occurring. No one was getting refunded. The partner I talked to said I wasn't allowed a refund so I said that any Damsel could have the events for free as I had paid for them. I was fine taking the loss. Not their fault my health tanked.

Then I found out that not only had other Damsels been charged, they had been charged more. I also found others had quit them as no refunds were given for events they canceled and none of the promised promotions were being one. Many had tried to ask for the same thing I had only to have it ignored. At that point my friend had moved on to pursue a home bakery business and focus back on her family so the increasing fraud was being done in her name but without her knowledge.

So we started to organize. Sent demand of refund certified letters. Now we are up to 77 people and the scam is spreading from Nevada to California. No one has gotten a refund. We have hundreds if not thousands of dollars owed now. And I just have to shake my head and roll my eyes and feel grateful I am back to just being me, focusing on my writing and family.

Life is good even if people suck.