Those who've put up with us for years know my passion for this day. I am open about all of me, my fibromyalgia, my childhood, my rights activism. I am also very open about the babies I've lost. I think there is no greater despair for a woman. It's the loss of a child but with the added knife twist of many not wanting to talk of it, to support the parents.
As soon as you get a positive test you envision the child's future. Even if you aren't ready for motherhood or never wanted it for those moments and days following a positive test your brain swirls with the what if.
For the mother who miscarries that potential is suddenly gone, sometimes in a very traumatic way. The vision disappears. And you are left alone. If you are lucky you dreamed with your spouse and he at least feels that emptiness with you. Often it's just you. Alone in your body. Alone with your shattered dreams and expectations.
My first pregnancy I was 17. I was terrified. I was doing my junior and senior years together. I was working 30+ hours each week. I fully expected the guy to walk away. To my shock he was stronger than I. He was there for me every moment, he proposed. So when we lost the pregnancy at 12 weeks he was as devastated if not more so. He gave me space but we did marry anyway about a year later. Then our Bug was born 10 months after that.
When she was 4 we were ready again. It took years. Then I got that test and I had never been so excited. A week later we lost it. I felt this loss so much more. We had been trying so long, I had about lost hope. Then I got a taste. My doc refused to test for anything until I had 3 consecutive losses. So we got a new doc. She discovered hormone issues and when I got pregnant again immediately put me on added hormones to help. I carried our Monkey to term.
I was diagnosed with my fms when Monkey was about 9 months. It answered a lot. Infertility is common in fibromyalgia. Hormone issues, womb issues.
So now we are going to try again with IVF. The extra help and monitoring we hope will help us. Not a day goes by where I forget about my lost angels though. I feel that loss all the time. I think it is a loss that never goes away.
You've had such a difficult journey. I've written of the child I gave up for adoption on my blog and someone invariably says "well why didn't you have more children", as if it is that easy. Bless you for having the strength not just to do this, but to share.
ReplyDeleteThank you Brigid. I think so often people see the courage or they are small and see small reasons in adoption. They don't see it is a loss, often a very hard one.
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