You matter to me.

I am a horrible communicator. Really. I hate being vulnerable. I hate putting myself out there in case I am not wanted so I rarely do. I don't want to be that annoying chick. That weird girl who won't go away. The one you are nice to because you are to polite to do anything else. That being said I wanted to take the moment to tell you guys that you matter to me. Especially those who comment and make the effort to let me and the others know you are here. I love the input, the help with questions, the support.  Stephen, Matt, North, NFO, Hermit (I hope you read this where ever you are), Duke, AOA, TinCan, Pioneer, Brigid, Maura, AGirl, Mudbug, Red, Ryan, 45er, Suz, Midwest. I read your blogs all the time on my phone. All of you are incredible. Some of you inspire me. Some of you make me think. Some of you make me wish I had the courage to be even a small percentage of the people you are. I honestly don't know how to thank you for being the people you are or the influence you are on me. You guys are a lot of the reason why I got the courage to even buy my own guy rather than continue to pretend that the one my husband gave me was okay and using the discomfort of it as an excuse to avoid getting my permit or taking classes. Those things are so darn far out of my comfort zone but you guys have helped me reach a more confident place. I am not strong but you all help me with that. Thank you. I may not have reached out like I wanted but know that to me you guys are considered treasured friends and I would love to help any of you in any way I can. I don't have much but if I have it to give I give it to you.

Do I have to go out again?

I am anti-social. I know this. I am honestly not all that sure why. I have friends. I have always made them fairly easy when I put effort into it. I have realized recently though that close friends are a lot more rare in my life. Actually I have only had a handful. Ever. I was the girl in school who didn't fit in any particular slot. I was friendly with many groups. I went from crowd to crowd easily. Now as an adult I still am not easy to fit into a category. I am not very outgoing. I know that. I honestly am happy to just be home reading. If I am out I like being with my family. I have a hard time just venturing to places by myself hoping to make friends. That has become especially true here. I feel so different from everyone here. I have met women who I share things in common with but none that I know of that mesh with me if that makes sense. I am a stay at home mom who loves to shoot, ride quads, treasure hunt, take scenic drives, play board games, watch movies, read, camp. The list goes on. I am pretty comfortable in my ways and need friends who accept those ways if that makes sense and share my thinking. I have been blessed enough to make 2 such girlfriends but they are both far away which sucks. Luckily we talk regularly. They see all of me and love me. I have always felt like I have to hide pieces of myself with most people. I can't talk about guns with this person, can't discuss my religion with that person, can't watch this movie with this person, can't cuss near that person. Certain things I edit are out of respect absolutely. I am not going to walk around cussing all the time when I am trying to improve that. I just am extra careful around certain people. I read once how no one really has a best friend they have many friends who fill different needs. I think that is silly though. True friendship is about loving and accepting everything and being everything a friend needs. A shoulder, a helper, a critic, a fan, a push in the right direction, or even someone to hold us back from a mistake. Maybe that is a part of why I am so happy to be at home. I have 2 friends like that. I have a husband who does the same things. With all the drama that has come with my efforts of trying and all the editing that comes with relationships is it really worth going out and trying to make more friends when I have what I need already?