Victim shaming is shamful.

Recently two very big stories dealing with abuse have hit the news. First the arrest of Sons of Guns patriarch Will Haden on multiple sex abuse charges including the rape of a minor. Then the video of Ray Rice knocking out his then fiance Janay in a pretty brutal elevator fight.

Both stories have shocked their respective communities and the world. Story after story floods my facebook and twitter. A dear friend works in the domestic violence sector and has had almost non-stop interviews.

The thing that has pissed me off though is the victim blaming bull crap. Why did Stephanie Haden stay quiet all these years? She could have done this or that........ Why did Janay marry him? What was she thinking?

Seriously? !? Many victims go throuh a slew of emotions and have a journey they have to travel. They can feel shame, feel denial, disbelief. They can blame themselves or feel like they deserve it. They don't feel safe sharing or don't feel like they will be heard.

It is not for us to judge. It is not for us to force them to tell their stories or accept help. It is not for us to rail at them for making a choice we think we would make differently when we are not walking their road.

I have no real memory of what happened to me. I had years of nightmares. Of being tiny and faceless men. I have the suspicions of my grandmother.  I have my biological mother's police record from the years that followed and her behavior with me that makes those nightmares and suspicions a whole lot more plausible.  That explains a lot of the weird hangups and frustrating issues that have interfered with my life and relationships that took a whole lot of therapy to face. Sometimes I can talk about it but sometimes I can't.  Sometimes the words or thoughts choke me. They press on my chest, they confuse me, they make me feel weak and inadequate.

So please, when you read a story, or even hear something from someone, please just listen and love them no matter what. No matter the path they are on or the choice they are making.

I feel sorry for the anti-gun crowd.

After our candlelight vigil on the 8th there has been a lot of back and forth on the web. Joan Peterson (yes the link goes to her post) and others of the anti-gun community were not thrilled by our effort to hold a vigil for the victims of violence. There has been lashing out at many of the bloggers we all love and read.

Do you know what gets me? The sheer sadness of it all. Truly. When it comes to wanting to see less victims we are on the same side. The difference is that some have let their hatred of an object obscure any other thing.

I think we can all agree that horrible things happen to people who don't deserve it. Scary terrible things. Every day lives are lost senselessly. Our goal has never ever been to take away from any victim the trauma they went through. It has been to empower them. If you have read our blog for long then you know that my posts have only really entered the realm of  gun blogging over the last year. I am fairly new too this. Even having a very close call with an armed gunman didn't immediately change my views. I came to this pretty gradually but once I did I embraced it and I read everything I could. I asked questions. The more I discovered the more empowered I felt and the more I wanted to share that with others. I learned that this community is all about protecting people. It is about helping someone defend themselves.

So I am sad. I am sad that hatred for an object that is just metal and sometimes plastic can create so much discord. Demeaning those who do something to protect themselves in a way different than you does nothing but make you out to be a jerk. Making those who faced the demon and came out alive and then decided they were going to up their personal odds out to be some sort of villain is as shameful as the accusations being hurled around. I know that pain and loss and violence have touched lives on both sides of that fence. The difference is that we want EVERY person to have the choice and the right to protect themselves irregardless of the violence they meet and you are so blinded by the object that the victims that are trying to talk to you get nothing back but hurtful words. If you care about victims then LISTEN. Truly listen.

People like Jennifer and A Girl and yes even Weer'd are trying to tell you that there is more to the story than the object.