When you face a darkness it is always with you in odd moments.

I was a teen statistic. I was rebellious, I was often sneaking out, I flirted with whatever danger I could find and if the proposition seemed sweet enough I did a lot more than flirt. I did it in cycles. Some months I was the A student, head in her books, always in class, the next few months I was cutting constantly and high as a kite as I slinked away with whatever boy I was desperate enough to let in my life. When I was acting out I was a liar. If I spoke it was probably a lie. Somehow I maintained a 30 hour a week job and managed to do my junior and senior years at once to graduate early. I was pretty weird. Driven to be on my own but sick of life. I was at war with myself and my parents. My dad did the best he could but emotion and females we not his strong suit and my biological mother walked at her first chance and never looked back. I learned during these teen years that the abuse i thought was dreams was truth from her and knew I was better off but a huge part of me ached for a mom. Luckily at 16 I got one and to this day she is a wonderful addition to my life and though she and my dad later divorced he has also grown much better at communication and is happily married which seems to help our relationship.

All of the up and down led to some pretty rough times. I am a very emotional person. I cry over everything even if I don't want to. I just teared up singing to Monkey for nap time because I was so full of love for her. It is frustrating to me but it completely drives people around me demented. Luckily Hubby tends to let me cry and then once I am done and back to being me we talk. So from a young age the people around me told me to stop crying. All. The. Time. Even if it was something worth crying over. So when I got upset as a teen I cut myself. Or I had sex. Or I did drugs. Or I drank. I looked for ways to hide from any emotion. I wrote a lot but that usually meant feeling too much. So all the acting out to hide led to more stupidity. I tried to commit suicide. Luckily that failed.

One thing that helped and still helps is music. Music seems to find a way to express how I feel when I can't. I also write my books. I knew I wanted to write love stories but I decided to add more crime to them, more overcoming these horrible things to find love. That gives me a couple good things. I get to re-imagine myself every time I tell a story. I also get to kill a few people in extremely gory ways at times and get some vengeance without ever having to really be violent. Such a cathartic experience.

I think any time we go through times when we feel drenched in darkness pieces of it linger as a reminder of what we saw and did and what we overcame. I catch a glance of them in odd moments as I go about my life. I am blessed that when I met my Hubby we were both in the dark but saw something in the other we wanted to save and we each knew that to do that we would have to step into the light as well. We took a journey together that has had it's moments where it felt like the dark was going to pull us back but we struggled and fought through and we continue every day to save the other.

Nothing is permanent. No bad time is endless. It can be easy in a moment of strife to look back at a seemingly better time and wish we were there instead of in the trials surrounding us. One thing I have to do is find something positive always. Yes money sucks, bills seem endless, health is crazy, kids are fighting, blah blah...... BUT I have a great marriage. I have beautiful daughters. I have food in my belly and a roof over my head. I have more than I ever dreamed I would and I would not change that. For all the worries and fears I live a very blessed life.

So I leave you with some of the songs that have spoke to me. Yes they are all girly. Sorry for that. None of them are classic anything. But the words speak to me about my feelings in the dark and my journey through and the fabulousness of the life I live. Maybe they will help you, make you smile, give you a laugh, or lift your spirits. (Or someone you know as tough strong men admitting to enjoying Demi Lovato would be crazy right?)

Dark days of the mind.

I have been struggling since my last post with a dark weight. It feels as if a dark cloud hovers over me, pouring rain, yet no one else can see or feel it. I hate when I get in this place because nothing can really come along to pull me from it. Time is the only answer. I know it comes on when I feel especially bothered by things that I really can't change. I am a fixer by nature, a nurturer. In so many ways I was born a mother. I try to always approach an interaction with care. One of the hardest things for me is to know I was the cause of pain or hurt or upset. I avoid confrontation more than I should. It is very rare for me to speak my mind if the speaking could be taken as reproachful of others. I also hate to get after others and it is rare that I do unless it is in defense of someone I love that I see being treated wrongly. That is why it just kills me when people see me as something other than I am, or think I am. I know perception is different for everyone and what I may see as being thoughtful others may see completely different. I especially have a hard time when the person who seems to see me so negatively is someone I genuinely care about or thought I had a good relationship with. Hubby says I need to stop letting the opinion of others affect me so much and I know he is right. I have the love, support, and respect of so many amazing people that it kills me that the dim views of a handful are what I seem to focus on. I am extremely sensitive to negative feelings and as the ultimate people pleaser I want to fix the broken. I obsess over it to the point that my husband wants to lock me in a closet out of frustration. I have let go of a few of those toxic relationships that have been in my life and feel better for it. I honestly should do the same with the others and just breath. I know I can not force anyone to see me the way I hope they would. I can't make anyone feel what they don't want to feel. All I can do is change how I take it. I need to focus on that. I need to let time get me through my dark cloud so I can play in the sun again. I need to remember the amazing blessings in my life and let the dark days float past. In the scheme of my life they are but petals on the wind and fleeting in their impact.