Friday, July 15, 2011

When you face a darkness it is always with you in odd moments.

I was a teen statistic. I was rebellious, I was often sneaking out, I flirted with whatever danger I could find and if the proposition seemed sweet enough I did a lot more than flirt. I did it in cycles. Some months I was the A student, head in her books, always in class, the next few months I was cutting constantly and high as a kite as I slinked away with whatever boy I was desperate enough to let in my life. When I was acting out I was a liar. If I spoke it was probably a lie. Somehow I maintained a 30 hour a week job and managed to do my junior and senior years at once to graduate early. I was pretty weird. Driven to be on my own but sick of life. I was at war with myself and my parents. My dad did the best he could but emotion and females we not his strong suit and my biological mother walked at her first chance and never looked back. I learned during these teen years that the abuse i thought was dreams was truth from her and knew I was better off but a huge part of me ached for a mom. Luckily at 16 I got one and to this day she is a wonderful addition to my life and though she and my dad later divorced he has also grown much better at communication and is happily married which seems to help our relationship.

All of the up and down led to some pretty rough times. I am a very emotional person. I cry over everything even if I don't want to. I just teared up singing to Monkey for nap time because I was so full of love for her. It is frustrating to me but it completely drives people around me demented. Luckily Hubby tends to let me cry and then once I am done and back to being me we talk. So from a young age the people around me told me to stop crying. All. The. Time. Even if it was something worth crying over. So when I got upset as a teen I cut myself. Or I had sex. Or I did drugs. Or I drank. I looked for ways to hide from any emotion. I wrote a lot but that usually meant feeling too much. So all the acting out to hide led to more stupidity. I tried to commit suicide. Luckily that failed.

One thing that helped and still helps is music. Music seems to find a way to express how I feel when I can't. I also write my books. I knew I wanted to write love stories but I decided to add more crime to them, more overcoming these horrible things to find love. That gives me a couple good things. I get to re-imagine myself every time I tell a story. I also get to kill a few people in extremely gory ways at times and get some vengeance without ever having to really be violent. Such a cathartic experience.

I think any time we go through times when we feel drenched in darkness pieces of it linger as a reminder of what we saw and did and what we overcame. I catch a glance of them in odd moments as I go about my life. I am blessed that when I met my Hubby we were both in the dark but saw something in the other we wanted to save and we each knew that to do that we would have to step into the light as well. We took a journey together that has had it's moments where it felt like the dark was going to pull us back but we struggled and fought through and we continue every day to save the other.

Nothing is permanent. No bad time is endless. It can be easy in a moment of strife to look back at a seemingly better time and wish we were there instead of in the trials surrounding us. One thing I have to do is find something positive always. Yes money sucks, bills seem endless, health is crazy, kids are fighting, blah blah...... BUT I have a great marriage. I have beautiful daughters. I have food in my belly and a roof over my head. I have more than I ever dreamed I would and I would not change that. For all the worries and fears I live a very blessed life.

So I leave you with some of the songs that have spoke to me. Yes they are all girly. Sorry for that. None of them are classic anything. But the words speak to me about my feelings in the dark and my journey through and the fabulousness of the life I live. Maybe they will help you, make you smile, give you a laugh, or lift your spirits. (Or someone you know as tough strong men admitting to enjoying Demi Lovato would be crazy right?)


  1. Beautiful. I really appreciate that you wrote this.

    Your dark lingers so that you can see the brilliance of your life's light - your hubby and daughters. No amount of dark can really stay when those lights shine.

  2. Thank you! They are absolutely the biggest lights in my life! I thank God every day for the blessings they are to me.

  3. Be sure you don't feel isolated in your experiences. Most people have gone through some very tough times at one point or the other. You went through them and came out the other end of the tunnel, so you win the brass ring. When I feel down, which is easy to do as you get older, I go out and look at the mountains. It makes me think that my troubles are only a small part of that greater picture.

  4. I do okay most days. If I am really down I talk to my hubby or Gracie and Maggy. Or I pull out a good book and get away for a while. I still have some days where it is a struggle. It has been rough watching this custody stuff with my niece and nephew but I am surrounded by amazing love. Can't stay down for long.

  5. Lila, you made some great friends out here. Think of this way, when needed there are some awful big arms out here to hold you when needed.

  6. Thank you!! It means a lot! You 3 and everyone else are what my guy calls good people. Rare to find these days. Sometimes he looks at me a bit nuts about my online stuff but then I tell him about this or that and he nods in agreement. You think like he does, he just has no patience for the computer lol. I think he is actually starting to like some of the ideas that come up as to our planning. He and my BIL both are really thinking now on seed storage which is good. Having friends feels awfully nice for this hermit.


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