My thoughts on Robin Williams

I tried to think of a witty title. Some catchy phrase or comforting words to convey my thoughts and pull in readers but honestly every article or blog I've seen has covered the gamut and almost all have just felt off. I feel like so many of the pieces I've read have fit into two categories. They either approach things as a tribute and a "he's free" vibe or they bash him as selfish or cowardly.

To me both are wrong, harmful, and so incredibly dangerous. I've battled with depression my whole life. Before my illness had a name and before I had a support system who supported, believed, and encouraged I attempted suicide. Depression, anxiety, bipolar or any other mood disorder is so much larger than a quick fix. It is often a life long battle. I can't know his thoughts, no one can, but I know debilitating illness. The news of his Parkinsons diagnosis I think sheds more light on his motives. No matter what drove him we must be careful in glorifying or condemning. Instead we have to focus on helping others. On his life. Those are the stories I've liked most.

To me the most important part of this is that he hit a point where he felt so hopeless that he made the ultimate irreversible choice and that we must all make sure that we love those around us so completely that they know that no matter what battle they face they are never judged, never alone, and never forsaken. We must listen. We must love. We must be the light in their darkness.

We must also be willing to talk, to seek help, to count on others when we feel lost. I've been in med changes recently and it has brought back some pretty hard core anxiety attacks. At first I was very resistant to even talk about them. I hate adding more issues for the people I love to see. And that just made them worse. I had to count on the people I love, even at 3 AM.

Be a light. I hope I am.

Lost my mojo.

These past few months I feel like the wind got sucked from my sails. Damsel has become impossible for me. I don't have the health for weekly parties and events and Facebook blacklisted me so my reach dropped substantially and no one was ordering. I adore the company with a passion but the biggest online networks include non-lethal self defense in their anti-weapon agenda and that just has made Damsel beyond hard.

The junior league I was working with became worse than high-school with the teenaged drama, name calling,  and backstabbing. So I walked away from my board position as the rule we try to live by is keep things as stress free as possible since the stress makes my fms worse.

I also haven't improved like we hoped. We think the climate is part of the issue. We spent a week in Wyoming and for those few days I was almost pain free. So we are hoping to find work out of the desert.

I am homeschooling Bug this year. Some of her group developed some awful risky behavior and I don't want her immersed in that. I honestly think that here in Vegas the kids are exposed to so much vice they experiment even younger than other places.

I've decided to focus on my writing again and on my passion for preparation and all the other great things I used to write about. I want to get back to reading my favorite blogs and connecting with the friends I've been neglecting as I tried to do Damsel.

So hopefully this is me climbing out of a dark place and getting back to the things I love. Sure missed you all.

Gracie the lifesaver.

It's a good thing Gracie is posting because try as I might to think of an uplifting post or something that sounds happy I just can't this week. I am in a full blown funk of negativity despite still making good progress on my book. So instead I leave you with a Friday Funny.

Dark days of the mind.

I have been struggling since my last post with a dark weight. It feels as if a dark cloud hovers over me, pouring rain, yet no one else can see or feel it. I hate when I get in this place because nothing can really come along to pull me from it. Time is the only answer. I know it comes on when I feel especially bothered by things that I really can't change. I am a fixer by nature, a nurturer. In so many ways I was born a mother. I try to always approach an interaction with care. One of the hardest things for me is to know I was the cause of pain or hurt or upset. I avoid confrontation more than I should. It is very rare for me to speak my mind if the speaking could be taken as reproachful of others. I also hate to get after others and it is rare that I do unless it is in defense of someone I love that I see being treated wrongly. That is why it just kills me when people see me as something other than I am, or think I am. I know perception is different for everyone and what I may see as being thoughtful others may see completely different. I especially have a hard time when the person who seems to see me so negatively is someone I genuinely care about or thought I had a good relationship with. Hubby says I need to stop letting the opinion of others affect me so much and I know he is right. I have the love, support, and respect of so many amazing people that it kills me that the dim views of a handful are what I seem to focus on. I am extremely sensitive to negative feelings and as the ultimate people pleaser I want to fix the broken. I obsess over it to the point that my husband wants to lock me in a closet out of frustration. I have let go of a few of those toxic relationships that have been in my life and feel better for it. I honestly should do the same with the others and just breath. I know I can not force anyone to see me the way I hope they would. I can't make anyone feel what they don't want to feel. All I can do is change how I take it. I need to focus on that. I need to let time get me through my dark cloud so I can play in the sun again. I need to remember the amazing blessings in my life and let the dark days float past. In the scheme of my life they are but petals on the wind and fleeting in their impact.

Embracing a new day!

I tend to live in my happy place as much as I can. I try to always find the blessings even in the worst of situations. I face life with the hope that it will be bright and beautiful. I know it isn't always that way. I have had my fair share of trials and cruddy days. Part of being me are the flashes of darkness before I make the light shine through. I was once asked what I would get for a tattoo if I had one and I had to think a minute before the answer became obvious. My husband and I are very much about there being meaning in something like that so for me it would be a fairy. She would be beautiful, long hair flowing down her back, wings spread as if about to fly, arms lifted and head thrown back with a grin of sheer joy on her face. In front of her is a mirror and her reflection is the total opposite. Wings drooping low, arms crossed over her chest as her head is bowed with tears streaming down her face. I feel like those two parts of me are there every day but I just choose to embrace the happier side. I think we all have the darkness. We all have battles to face, trials to overcome. We have to make a choice. We can let those hard things rule our lives or we can look at them and stand tall and smile and press through to the brighter side. Every day I have moments where I make the conscious choice to push through. I think everyone has those moments. It can be just getting out of bed on time rather than hitting the snooze button. It can be putting the Tylenol back in the bottle so you only take a healthy amount rather than try to dull life away. It can be taking a breath in a moment of frustration rather than letting loose the words that popped into our heads. They seem like little things but in the course of the day all those little positive choices add up until you are living your life in the sun and when those rain storms come you are much more likely to see the rainbows through the clouds!

I have also recently embraced letting go of things that add to the darkness. It is okay to remove yourself from situations that cause hurt. If they can't be healed to the point that the light can shine through than it is okay to step back and let go. In fact I think sometimes the only choice is to let go. It has taken me a long time to really truly grasp that idea. I am a fixer. I want to fix it even if it hurts. It may take a while because it is our nature to not want to do something painful but I still was pressing on. I was holing on to some negativity and letting it color how I felt about myself and what I was doing with my life. I am going to change that. It may not be as fast as I would like and I know I will still have moments where I step back to that place of negativity but I plan to embrace a new way of thought. I am beautiful. I am smart and willing to learn. I am creative. I am a fantastic wife, a terrific mother, and a dang good writer. I taught myself html. I have a life full of people I love and who love me for exactly who I am.

Who really needs more than that?