The Monster List for FMS and feeling rather out there.

As I try to figure out this thing called Fibro (And pull Gracie along because I am pretty sure it is what she has too since she has never been able to get diagnosed either.) I discovered a fellow sufferer who turned her high-octane exhausting career into a wonderful job where she gets to be home but still make money and she helps those of us who suffer with her. She became the Ask.com guru on FMS and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. She keeps up on research and posts valid tips and things stemming from that research to help us in our own journey's. She has what she calls "The Monster List of Fibromyalgia Symptoms". It has over 60 things related to our lovely life. Some even are their own disorders or diseases. At last count I have 43. I am afraid I am developing another. I feel very frustrated. I feel like such a frumpy failure some days. Not trying to complain and my hubby tells me I am being silly but some days I am lucky to keep track of the girls and cook dinner. I am usually in shorts and a tank. I don't wear makeup. Being raised by a single dad until I was 16 meant that learning girly things never really happened. My amazing guy tells me often how beautiful I am and how amazing and I am so lucky I have that in my life because if I had someone who had no patience for this and who expected some perfectly coiffed barbie all the time I would feel even worse. Ugggg..... That is one of the rough things about this illness. It is ever changing and because we have to limit ourselves and completely change how we do things it means that we learn very quickly if those around us truly love us for better of for worse. I am lucky. I know some who aren't.


On another pity Lila party moment: I had a moment today where I was reminded yet again how very different I am from some of the people who should be closest to me. I don't know how it happened or why but I seem to be even farther away from some of the people I love. I do love them, so much. My life is about love. I just seem to have nothing what so ever to relate to them with. About the only thing we seem to share anymore is a love for my girls but even then it is rough because what we value is so different that often blind trust has resulted in some situations that haven't been ideal. Humph..... This trying to vent but also be respectful is a precarious line. I want to have good relationships with everyone I love but I also don't know how to do that most days. I am happiest at home or with my husband exploring somewhere, metal detecting, shooting, doing what we do. My faith is so important to me yet places a wedge because either they aren't sure they believe at all in anything bigger than themselves or they aren't sure they like what I believe. How do you find a place to heal old wounds to the point of closeness when you are so very different?

Anniversary #9

So today marks the 9th anniversary of the day I made the best decision of my life. I married my husband. I always get excited for this day even when all we do some years is hang out at home and just be together. This day marks another year passing in the arms of a pretty incredible man. He really saved my life.

I am a very emotional person, made more so by my bi-polar. When he entered my life I was in a very bad place. I was suicidal and pretty despondent. The relationship I was in had turned toxic, the friendships surrounding me had wonderful moments and moments of extreme sorrow and I felt very alone and unloved. Multiple friends had died that year in heart breaking ways. I felt too different from my happy confident family members to really even consider confiding in them and I was just a mess.

Then came my 17th birthday. My boyfriend at the time had completely blown me off and so my friends decided I needed to go "cruising" which is a pretty big deal in our little town. So there we were when I should run into an old friend and two of his friends. I jumped into their truck and the first words Hubs said to me were "Buckle up, we would hate for something to happen to you." He claims he knew right in that moment that we were meant to be together. My guy is a huge believer in destiny. I was not so sure though. Then came October. Another friend passed away in a very bad car accident. I was feeling absolutely done. I was on the brink when Hubs calls me up and asks me to come by. He took me to my favorite place in the mountains and under the trees, in the moonlight, he let me cry and then he kissed me. I swear if fireworks could have gone off they would have despite how sad I was. Thus began our relationship as a couple. We had ups and downs as I fought through loss, and grief, and depression and he battled similar things. We broke up, often badly, and were drawn together again like a moth to a flame. Finally we got through the immature phase and really committed to each other.

He asked me to marry him on the lid of a delivered pizza box. I said yes. Like all couples we have had good times and bad. We have had moments where both of us considered walking. We fought threw them and now each day is better than the last. He makes me smile when I want to cry and laugh when I want to scream. He is one of the only people who gets me and loves me despite my mood swings, my low self esteem, my fears and hangups. He is okay no matter where I am emotionally on any given day. When I feel close to that dark brink he pulls me back again without even batting an eye. So really, he saves me every day of our lives together.

He is the other half of my soul. Where I am shy he is out going, where he is nervous I thrive. When one of us is feeling weak the other carries the strength for us both. He can complete my sentences. He knows my likes and dislikes. He takes my sarcasm and dishes it right back. He is my partner, my lover, my friend, my rock, my reason. He never pushes me to be something I'm not but always pushes me to fulfill the potential of who I could be. He takes each moment and makes it amazing, even if it is only to watch our favorite shows, or take a drive, or to hold me while I sleep. He provides for us amazingly so I can be what I have always wanted to be. A mother. He treasures me even when I am so frustrated and frumpy I want to hide.

Thank you for 9 amazing years my love!