As I try to figure out this thing called Fibro (And pull Gracie along because I am pretty sure it is what she has too since she has never been able to get diagnosed either.) I discovered a fellow sufferer who turned her high-octane exhausting career into a wonderful job where she gets to be home but still make money and she helps those of us who suffer with her. She became the Ask.com guru on FMS and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. She keeps up on research and posts valid tips and things stemming from that research to help us in our own journey's. She has what she calls "The Monster List of Fibromyalgia Symptoms". It has over 60 things related to our lovely life. Some even are their own disorders or diseases. At last count I have 43. I am afraid I am developing another. I feel very frustrated. I feel like such a frumpy failure some days. Not trying to complain and my hubby tells me I am being silly but some days I am lucky to keep track of the girls and cook dinner. I am usually in shorts and a tank. I don't wear makeup. Being raised by a single dad until I was 16 meant that learning girly things never really happened. My amazing guy tells me often how beautiful I am and how amazing and I am so lucky I have that in my life because if I had someone who had no patience for this and who expected some perfectly coiffed barbie all the time I would feel even worse. Ugggg..... That is one of the rough things about this illness. It is ever changing and because we have to limit ourselves and completely change how we do things it means that we learn very quickly if those around us truly love us for better of for worse. I am lucky. I know some who aren't.
On another pity Lila party moment: I had a moment today where I was reminded yet again how very different I am from some of the people who should be closest to me. I don't know how it happened or why but I seem to be even farther away from some of the people I love. I do love them, so much. My life is about love. I just seem to have nothing what so ever to relate to them with. About the only thing we seem to share anymore is a love for my girls but even then it is rough because what we value is so different that often blind trust has resulted in some situations that haven't been ideal. Humph..... This trying to vent but also be respectful is a precarious line. I want to have good relationships with everyone I love but I also don't know how to do that most days. I am happiest at home or with my husband exploring somewhere, metal detecting, shooting, doing what we do. My faith is so important to me yet places a wedge because either they aren't sure they believe at all in anything bigger than themselves or they aren't sure they like what I believe. How do you find a place to heal old wounds to the point of closeness when you are so very different?