I think the time has come to reclaim myself. I've been sick for a month and that has meant that everything suffered. I haven't written. I feel awful.
Well I finally went to the doc (After TinCan and JW both gave me some lectures! ;)) and got on antibiotics. I scheduled an appointment with the new doc. I am slowly making steps.
I realized though that the confidence I have been building doesn't seem as evident to others. I look in the mirror and think, "She is not the beautiful woman I think she should be." I have put off things I did for myself to take care of other people. I stopped getting my nails done to save money. I stopped eating the foods I need and want to eat because the live-in folk don't like my healthier meals. So I am changing that. I am going to make the foods that are good for me. If they don't like chicken they can eat something they make. If they don't like salad they can make their own meals. If they don't like cheap cereal (gotta save somewhere, lol) they can get a job. I need to feel that I look as beautiful outside as I think I am. Make sense?
I am looking forward to really retaking myself. I want to be the best mom and wife I can be. So I plan to dig back in to the book, to shoot more, to pamper myself with the food I need and the fun things I like.
I might even save for a few gun courses not just one. I really do like the idea of getting certified to at least help out at the range near me.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
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I don't blog of it, except indirectly, but I was married for a very long time to someone bipolar.It was an illness, would I have left them if they had cancer? But I could do nothing right, the abuse both emotional, and physical, every movement controlled. There were tears, breakdowns, tantrums, suicide attempts. It did not end well. It took me a long time, years, to get back to the strong warrior I was before. Be patient, eat well, exercise your heart, your muscles and your mind. You will get there.
ReplyDeleteGet whole. Whatever it takes.
ReplyDeleteLila, do what YOU have to do, they can either go along (and support you), or do for themselves... Just sayin...
ReplyDeleteI hate using this phrase, but: You go girl! :-)
ReplyDeleteGood for you. I find that people respect you more if you respect yourself and stand up for yourself.
ReplyDeleteI had a bit of a health awakening the other day, and have really re-devoted myself to improving my physical being. It has really improved everything.
Keep at it.
I am very lucky that Hubby is on my side 100%. I think he actually was pretty annoyed once he realized the things that I did for me that I let go of. Annoyed that the financial burden of having an extra family in the house made me feel I needed to give up those things. He is now very actively making it known that I come first.
ReplyDeleteI think I have let the stress of having BIL and his kids here just over whelm me. Add that my BIL likes to tease in a way that often feels hurtful and it has made my house a not fun place.
I have been a lot more positive about life in general but having Mr. Negativity around makes it hard. Uggg..... This turned from a thanks into another mini-rant.
Anyway thank you! All of you! You guys are great!
Brigid - Once again you give me inspiration. Thank you for sharing what is I am sure a very rough thing to share.
So glad to hear that! Sorry it's been a bit of struggle, but for you for saying...ENOUGH!
ReplyDeleteOh good. You got that backbone in the mail. Good on you.
ReplyDeleteRemember, real family would support your needs, especially if they're mooching, err, rehabilitating their situation, in YOUR house. BTW, DW says Fibro Sucks.
Agirl - Thank you!
ReplyDeleteTinCan - Yes Fibro does suck!!! I know that them staying here has been a very needed blessing for them. I am glad to help. My brother-in-law works hard but between insulin for Nephew and lawyers bills his financial burden is heavy. I know he hates having to depend on us. He does all he can to be helpful. The kids though tend to figure that since I am home I will do it. I am easy target and easy to ignore. With JW on his new shift the respect for me has gone out the window 90% of the time. It is making the feelings very tense. In front of their dad they are a little better but still not great. He doesn't punish them beyond a lecture so they know how to get away with things. I think that is a huge part of why I am so tired by the end of the day. The stress level is so elevated that I am burned out by the time I actually get Monkey to bed so I would rather just hide or sleep than work on the things I love and deal with them. It sucks.