Good men: Are they really hard to find?

I recently joined twitter after one of the writers blogs I love said it was a very helpful avenue for creating connections and can be a huge help to a writing career. Since then I have been following things I love and people that inspire me. That leads to more awesome discoveries of writers, designers, fibro advocates, rights advocates, bloggers, ect. One website I stumbled into is called The Good Men Project. It is basically about what defines a good man in today's world.  How have male roles changed? Sex, love, communication?

People just getting to know me usually have a couple questions I find telling of our times and very interesging. Men and women both ask if my marriage truly is as good as I say or it seems. Women ask how I caught him or do I know others like him. This used to frustrate me. We married young. I was 18 to his 21. So the disbelief at first felt like a lack of confidence and faith in us. As more years passed though and I saw other couples married when we were fail and more and more divorce I realized it was a genuine shock at how happy we seemed.

I've come to realize a lot of the problem is that divorce has become too easy and many men and especially women forgot that a true relationship takes effort. It takes patience, forgiveness,  compassion, and yes a lot of love and great sex. The day of our wedding was hectic like it is for everyone but we snuck a quiet moment and made some vows to each other aside from the usual. We promised honesty with each other. We promised to not even allow the "D" word into our family dictionary.  We vowed to fight for each other. We promised to never go to bed angry, to kiss each other hello and goodbye every day, to say "I love you" often. Those first few years were hard. We had nights we fought all night. Days where that kiss was almost angry and the words felt heavy. Moments where I am sure we both wondered "Can I really keep doing this?". We faced down addictions and the loss of multiple pregnancies.  We moved states. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.  Honestly it took a good 5 years to really figure marriage and each other out.

Once we did though it has been pretty incredible. We don't really fight. We are a united team. Nothing is more important than the other and our kids. A huge part of our sucess is absolutely based on the kind of man my husband is. He puts us first always.  He places providing for us as a priority.  He also love just being with us. Watching tv, painting our daughter's nails, doing crafty things. He is a guys guy. He hunts, loves to camp and fish and shoot. However he knows that to make our family successful requires more than a paycheck. He talks to me and listens. We truly are best friends. He makes sure I and our daughters know how treasured we are. He shares his feelings with me. We also make sex a priority.  Some weeks are hard when he is tired from work and I'm hurting but we make an effort to keep that physical connection. 

To often women see sex as a tool and men see it as release. Relationships get ignored for career. We've learned though that because we have an incredible relationship it nourishes the rest. Real good men aren't hard to find they just are hard to keep. They instinctively know that the relationship is key and when a woman doesn't enrich it but instead wants pampering and care with no reciprocity men give up and stop being the men they want to be. If you don't love and feed your garden it withers. 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Those who've put up with us for years know my passion for this day. I am open about all of me, my fibromyalgia,  my childhood,  my rights activism. I am also very open about the babies I've lost. I think there is no greater despair for a woman. It's the loss of a child but with the added knife twist of many not wanting to talk of it, to support the parents.

As soon as you get a positive test you envision the child's future.  Even if you aren't ready for motherhood or never wanted it for those moments and days following a positive test your brain swirls with the what if.

For the mother who miscarries that potential is suddenly gone, sometimes in a very traumatic way. The vision disappears.  And you are left alone. If you are lucky you dreamed with your spouse and he at least feels that emptiness with you.  Often it's just you. Alone in your body. Alone with your shattered dreams and expectations. 

My first pregnancy I was 17. I was terrified. I was doing my junior and senior years together. I was working 30+ hours each week. I fully expected the guy to walk away. To my shock he was stronger than I. He was there for me every moment, he proposed. So when we lost the pregnancy at 12 weeks he was as devastated if not more so. He gave me space but we did marry anyway about a year later. Then our Bug was born 10 months after that.

When she was 4 we were ready again. It took years. Then I got that test and I had never been so excited. A week later we lost it. I felt this loss so much more. We had been trying so long, I had about lost hope. Then I got a taste. My doc refused to test for anything until I had 3 consecutive losses.  So we got a new doc. She discovered hormone issues and when I got pregnant again immediately put me on added hormones to help. I carried our Monkey to term.

I was diagnosed with my fms when Monkey was about 9 months. It answered a lot. Infertility is common in fibromyalgia.  Hormone issues, womb issues.

So now we are going to try again with IVF. The extra help and monitoring we hope will help us. Not a day goes by where I forget about my lost angels though. I feel that loss all the time. I think it is a loss that never goes away.

Forgiving

Something my life allows is a lot of time in my own head. Being a wife and mom is the best thing but add my illness and I'm not running this kid here and that one there, doing PTA, driving carpool, baking and crafting. Most days I hurt and so I sit and cuddle my kids and husband. However they are kids and need to play and do and be and he needs to sleep. So I get lost in my own brain. I read or write. I watch movies or play games. I think. A lot.

My musing has led to much reflecting on the path I've taken.  I've learned a lot about forgiveness.  I learned to forgive the mother who birthed me and spent those early years abusing me. I honestly believe she didn't know any better. She had no idea how to be a mother, how to comfort, to protect, to cherish. I learned to forgive my Dad and to let go. I think he truly did the best he could. In his world "lose weight, stop being stupid, stop crying, grow up, you can do better, ect..." was the way you taught a child to become a contributing member of society.  It honestly wasn't his fault I am a sensitive, empathetic person. That I ached for praise. I realized recently that I do fogive him. I just don't trust him, not with me or my children. That's a hard reality.  I also had to accept you can forgive without trust.

I have so many people I love. Family I treasure.  And I've come to see that the wounds and forgiveness of my past are what help me be a great mom, a loving wife. I still have moments where I struggle, where all I hear are the voices of my childhood. Then I look at my hands and see my wedding ring and my mother's ring and am reminded that I have grown into so much more and that my ability to forgive and be positive rather than wallow in negative thoughts is what will help shape my girls into strong women.

They are so like me. So sensitive,  so empathetic,  so easy to bruise. I see my eldest struggle in ways I did and know part of that was because we were so young when she was born. We learned hard with her. But she has one thing I didn't.  Parents who love her and each other and who tell her so every day, who teach her her beauty and worth. Who teach her forgiveness.  It is one of the best gifts after all.

vasovagal syncope

   Trust me it's a good thing.
    Spike was finally diagnosed yesterday. He is allowed to play football, run mile club, participate in PE and rough house with his brothers and friends. That made him a happy boy.
   The doctor wrote him a note saying he needed to carry his Gatorade and a bag of chips with him at all times. This made him a VERY happy boy! He even wrote him a doctor ordered hall pass so he can go to the bathroom any time he needs. I think we like this doctor.
Spike will still faint at times, but it's not dangerous. He needs to up his fluid intake (64+ oz, mostly Gatorade) and eat as much salty junk food as he wants. If he isn't getting enough salt, he can also take a capsule filled with salt. Those are the only changes he will have to make.
   Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

A Marine Family In Need.

Through my work on my page with Damsel I was adopting a family every month to raise funds for. The family always had a member who was critically ill or in need so I was always on the look out for people to help.

I have several friends who are military or are military spouses so I hear their stories often. Recently one really touched me. They were the total epitome of warrior strong to me as well as having a marriage I could relate to.

So I would like to introduce you to the Shocken family.

 Before disaster struck they were a normal USMC family. Dustin was deployed to Afghanistan. Amalia was a very active personal trainer raising their beautiful daughter in Twenty-Nine Palms.

Then the unthinkable happened. Amalia suffered a rare form of massive stroke. 2 out of 3 major brain vessels were completely blocked and the third was close. She required major surgery to remove blockages, take a piece of her skull to help cope with the massive swelling and save her life. She was in a come and they did not expect her to make it. I knew of this from that first moment pretty much as Amalia and I share a very dear friend and this friend stepped up to help since Dustin was gone. She took their daughter, she went to the hospital to talk to doctors, she did everything that she could do.

With the prognosis being so grim Dustin was sent home. In true Amalia and Dustin fashion she proved the docs wrong. She began to recover. She woke up. She tried to move. She spoke. She still has massive swelling and is almost totally paralyzed on her left side yet she is fighting to walk. She still is missing a chunk of her skull. She still needs help to do everything. She requires major rehab therapy.

So Dustin put her in an intensive rehab program for as long as he could. And then Tricare ran out. They would pay no more. So despite needing more care she was brought home and Dustin became her full time home nurse. He does everything. He changes her bags, he helps her do therapy. He should be doing the job and trusting his country to have his back and help him when needed but instead he is converting their home to a treatment center for her.

They need help. Help to get Amalia well. So the friends and family of Twenty-Nine are doing multiple fundraising things for them. There are shirts and a 5k. There is a straight donation page. So please guys. Share this for me. Donate for me. Help me help them.

•  Visit www.facebook.com/milesforamalia or buy a shirt at www.booster.com/milesforamalia Donations to the Schocken Family and/or Miles for Amalia 5K can be made via PayPal to milesforamalia@gmail.com or sent to Jacklyn Miller, 7 Acacia Court, Twentynine Palms, CA 92277, checks payable to Jacklyn Miller. All funds sent outside of PayPal will be deposited into the PayPal account that has been set-up for the family/event.

Back to it.

Recently I've been most involved in managing my Damsel business and everything associated with it as well as online fibromyalgia support groups. First I stepped back from Damsel after Facebook blocked things and the politics of it caused more stress than it was worth.

Now I've also stepped back from my support groups. A number of years ago I stepped out of my shell and made friends with a couple of girls. We were all different but seemed bonded. Then petty issues and catty junk came up and it was constant drama. I despise drama and have learned that it actually makes me ill. I love women who are simple, no nonsense, no pretense, no fake crap. Real. So I concentrated on the handful of incredible women in my life, like Gracie and Mags. Until my diagnosis.  Then I wanted to talk to others like me, who understood fibromyalgia.  So I opened up again. I went from group to group until I found one that seemed to fit beautifully.  Real women facing a similar journey who were blunt, who seemed to not judge, who accepted.

Then it started to change. I noticed little things. New chat groups being made to exclude some. Posts seeming to dig at others. Then intried to mediate an issue. I was accused of bullying and called horrible things. It made me realize I miss my hermit life and all of you guys. :) Like minded hermits. So thanks for being awesome.

Spike update

The EKG was finally read after two weeks. It's still nothing definite, but they think he has RVH, which means the right side of his heart is enlarged. They also think think that he has long QT syndrome. Definition here:

   Long QT syndrome (LQTS) is a heart rhythm disorder that can potentially cause fast, chaotic heartbeats. These rapid heartbeats may trigger a sudden fainting spell or seizure. In some cases, your heart may beat erratically for so long that it can cause sudden death. 

You can be born with a genetic mutation that puts you at risk of long QT syndrome. In addition, certain medications and medical conditions may cause long QT syndrome.
Long QT syndrome is treatable. You may need to limit your physical activity, avoid medications known to cause prolonged Q-T intervals or take medications to prevent a chaotic heart rhythm. Some people with long QT syndrome need surgery or an implantable device.

We have an appointment with the pediatric cardiologist on the 11th. Would appreciate any prayers, good vibes or whatever you believe in.

Lost my mojo.

These past few months I feel like the wind got sucked from my sails. Damsel has become impossible for me. I don't have the health for weekly parties and events and Facebook blacklisted me so my reach dropped substantially and no one was ordering. I adore the company with a passion but the biggest online networks include non-lethal self defense in their anti-weapon agenda and that just has made Damsel beyond hard.

The junior league I was working with became worse than high-school with the teenaged drama, name calling,  and backstabbing. So I walked away from my board position as the rule we try to live by is keep things as stress free as possible since the stress makes my fms worse.

I also haven't improved like we hoped. We think the climate is part of the issue. We spent a week in Wyoming and for those few days I was almost pain free. So we are hoping to find work out of the desert.

I am homeschooling Bug this year. Some of her group developed some awful risky behavior and I don't want her immersed in that. I honestly think that here in Vegas the kids are exposed to so much vice they experiment even younger than other places.

I've decided to focus on my writing again and on my passion for preparation and all the other great things I used to write about. I want to get back to reading my favorite blogs and connecting with the friends I've been neglecting as I tried to do Damsel.

So hopefully this is me climbing out of a dark place and getting back to the things I love. Sure missed you all.

scared

   Spike blacked out twice yesterday morning. We spent three hours in the ER with low blood pressure and low blood sugars. He had his first ever blood draw and took it like a champ. He had an EKG that came back abnormal.
   Today I took him into his doctor who ordered more labs and referred us to a pediatric cardiologist. The lab tech wasn't paying attention to what she was doing and let the needle slip out of his arm. Then she tried to put it back in the same vein and blew the vein. She dug around in his arm for a while before giving up. He was in a lot of pain and terrified. He didn't move a muscle while she dug around in his arm with that needle. But now he has to go back tomorrow and I don't know how well he will take that.
   I am the kind of person who does very well in a crises and breaks down afterward. Right now I am pretty freaked out.

Slacker

Sorry I have been MIA for a while. I have been up to my neck in incubators, chicks, chickens, kids, dogs, bees, rabbits, ect, ect, ect.

First topic, birds. I went out of town for a week and came home to find out that my house sitter had put my broody hen back in the coop with the rest of the chickens by accident. Luckily her eggs had only been left unattended for 24 hours or so and I fired up the incubator. Out of the seven eggs under the hen, three were clear (unfertile) and four were only a few days away from hatching. I actually saw one of the chicks jump in the egg when candled. Out of the four eggs, one died from being left in the nest too long without the hen and three began to hatch. I had issues with my incubator and two of the chicks shrink wrapped ( the membrane gets too dry and shrinks around the chick suffocating them). The lone remaining chick pipped at the wrong end and had to be helped...a lot. I ended up picking away all of the upper half of the egg so all she had to do was stretch and tear the membrane. She was too weak. I pulled the membrane off her head and picked away more of the shell. At this point all she had to do was pull her head out from under her wing and stretch. She was still too weak. I have a video of my three boys and a neighbor kid whistling at her to encourage her while I petted her wing and head to stimulate her into moving. She finally flopped out of the shell and into my hand but was still too weak to kick out of the lower half of the shell. I put her back in the incubator to gain her strength. After and hour she still only had one leg out of the shell and struggling to figure out how to kick free. After checking that she had absorbed the yolk, I realized she was still attached to the membrane by several strings of goo. I crushed the remaining shell to avoid her kicking against it and disemboweling herself and cut through the strings of goo close to her unbilical cord. I put her back in the incubator to dry off and get strong. By morning she was screaming for breakfast and running around the incubator looking for friends. She actually started to bond with the sponge I put in for humidity. I feather sexed her and she is indeed a hen!! I found her some friends that were being given away and they are all snuggling happily together in my laundry room.
   I also acquired a pair of blue laced red wyandottes! I have looked for this breed for over a year now. The chicks I hatched out last year were blue laced red wyandottes (BLRW for short) but they both were roosters. I am so excited for these birds!

Will blog about the other topics later.