Dark days of the mind.

I have been struggling since my last post with a dark weight. It feels as if a dark cloud hovers over me, pouring rain, yet no one else can see or feel it. I hate when I get in this place because nothing can really come along to pull me from it. Time is the only answer. I know it comes on when I feel especially bothered by things that I really can't change. I am a fixer by nature, a nurturer. In so many ways I was born a mother. I try to always approach an interaction with care. One of the hardest things for me is to know I was the cause of pain or hurt or upset. I avoid confrontation more than I should. It is very rare for me to speak my mind if the speaking could be taken as reproachful of others. I also hate to get after others and it is rare that I do unless it is in defense of someone I love that I see being treated wrongly. That is why it just kills me when people see me as something other than I am, or think I am. I know perception is different for everyone and what I may see as being thoughtful others may see completely different. I especially have a hard time when the person who seems to see me so negatively is someone I genuinely care about or thought I had a good relationship with. Hubby says I need to stop letting the opinion of others affect me so much and I know he is right. I have the love, support, and respect of so many amazing people that it kills me that the dim views of a handful are what I seem to focus on. I am extremely sensitive to negative feelings and as the ultimate people pleaser I want to fix the broken. I obsess over it to the point that my husband wants to lock me in a closet out of frustration. I have let go of a few of those toxic relationships that have been in my life and feel better for it. I honestly should do the same with the others and just breath. I know I can not force anyone to see me the way I hope they would. I can't make anyone feel what they don't want to feel. All I can do is change how I take it. I need to focus on that. I need to let time get me through my dark cloud so I can play in the sun again. I need to remember the amazing blessings in my life and let the dark days float past. In the scheme of my life they are but petals on the wind and fleeting in their impact.

A new world is evolving.

Right now the news has spread faster than any wildfire. Osama Bin Laden is dead. He was killed by a U.S. seal team yesterday in Pakistan after months of planning and just a few months shy of the 10th anniversary of 9/11. I see many thanking Bush and bashing Obama or bashing Bush and thanking Obama. All are thanking the troops. I have seen news accounts of parties and tears, of grief renewed and faith restored.

To me the downfall of Bin Laden and those like him has always been a given. The world's peoples will not tolerate being treated like expendable trash for long. The majority population is becoming younger, more able to communicate with one another, and those in countries where tyranny and oppression are a way of life are able to more easily glimpse how their democratic peers live life and have begun to fight for that freedom. As those fights have spread it became even more inevitable that terrorists would loose their havens. Despite the difference in thought through the major nations of the middle east about the United States and our allies they have all seen that these factions do not help them at all. They want these destroyers of life and humanity even less than we do because these groups claim to be helping cleanse the world while using their religion as a reason.

I woke this morning feeling a lightness in my chest that had settled there last night as I listened to the President make the announcement. That feeling was not because of the death of a man, or because of a firefight that caused it. It was because Bin Laden was more than just a man. To the children of America he was the boogieman. To those of us old enough to process what truly happened on 9/11 he was a destroyer of life. He was the ringleader of an evil empire bent on destroying all that we held dear. He was the reason our airports became a nightmare and our embassies were always well guarded around the world. To a small group he was a banner of purpose, a driving force, a beacon of truth to rally behind as they aimed their hatred and fury towards those they wanted dead. Just by his very breathing they took hope and strength. Now he is dead, his mission is in tatters and while I am sure retaliation will come it will not be what it might have been. He was the arrow that all who hated used to draw their bows. Now the arrow is gone and they have to try to fire their bows anyway. I am sure they will try. I expect there will be small and even large attempts. I doubt they will have the destructive power they once did.

So today as I feel lighter because we as a country have proven that we never give up, we never give in, and we never ever let a bully win I give thanks. i give thanks first to the troops who fight every day to keep us safe. They do so tirelessly and deserve every single ounce of credit. I also give thanks to President Obama, President Bush, and even President Clinton. All three have had to deal with the chaos caused by this man and the villainy he created and each one took steps that lead to this result. It was not any single one but the effort of all and all deserve praise. This is not about their politics. This is not about who you voted for. This is about justice being done.

I saw this on Facebook and liked it:

Now I lay me down to sleep, one less terrorist this world does keep. With all my heart I give my thanks, to those in uniform regardless of ranks. You serve our country and serve it well, with humble hearts your stories tell. So as I rest my weary eyes, while freedom rings our flag still flies. You give your all, do what you must...with God we live and God we trust. Amen.

Do I have to go out again?

I am anti-social. I know this. I am honestly not all that sure why. I have friends. I have always made them fairly easy when I put effort into it. I have realized recently though that close friends are a lot more rare in my life. Actually I have only had a handful. Ever. I was the girl in school who didn't fit in any particular slot. I was friendly with many groups. I went from crowd to crowd easily. Now as an adult I still am not easy to fit into a category. I am not very outgoing. I know that. I honestly am happy to just be home reading. If I am out I like being with my family. I have a hard time just venturing to places by myself hoping to make friends. That has become especially true here. I feel so different from everyone here. I have met women who I share things in common with but none that I know of that mesh with me if that makes sense. I am a stay at home mom who loves to shoot, ride quads, treasure hunt, take scenic drives, play board games, watch movies, read, camp. The list goes on. I am pretty comfortable in my ways and need friends who accept those ways if that makes sense and share my thinking. I have been blessed enough to make 2 such girlfriends but they are both far away which sucks. Luckily we talk regularly. They see all of me and love me. I have always felt like I have to hide pieces of myself with most people. I can't talk about guns with this person, can't discuss my religion with that person, can't watch this movie with this person, can't cuss near that person. Certain things I edit are out of respect absolutely. I am not going to walk around cussing all the time when I am trying to improve that. I just am extra careful around certain people. I read once how no one really has a best friend they have many friends who fill different needs. I think that is silly though. True friendship is about loving and accepting everything and being everything a friend needs. A shoulder, a helper, a critic, a fan, a push in the right direction, or even someone to hold us back from a mistake. Maybe that is a part of why I am so happy to be at home. I have 2 friends like that. I have a husband who does the same things. With all the drama that has come with my efforts of trying and all the editing that comes with relationships is it really worth going out and trying to make more friends when I have what I need already?

Carrying a weapon.

For a long while now my guy has been slowly pushing the idea at me to conceal carry. It started a few years ago. We lived in a very small apartment and right across the hallway a neighbor went pretty crazy and decided to shoot his gun at others and inside the complex. We were built more like a hotel so front doors were all interior. He pounded on our door and actually aimed to shoot through before he spooked and left. I almost opened that door. Moments later my husband heard a light tap at the back and a swarm of police asked to evacuate us and use our apartment to enter as it was the most covered way to get the closest to him. We were terrified. Had it been later I would have been home alone with a very small child with no way to protect us. He had always owned guns growing up but we had not purchased any of our own and were still a pretty young couple so it never really entered our heads. We also came from a fairly safe area so the crime we were encountering upon our move to our new state was still a bit of a shock.


As evidenced from previous posts I have come around to his way of thinking more and more as I have grown and really figured out who I am as a woman and a mother. To me carrying is about protection. It is about making sure that myself and my children are safe and that I have the ability to provide that safety at any time. I am so grateful for that right. After our move to the desert we had more crime shock. If it was worrying where we were it is down right terrifying here. Recently at a Walmart we sometimes use in full daylight a woman was attacked and hospitalized. Things like that are in the news with horrifying regularity here. Add that only the really public things get reported on the news and it just sucks. We were very lucky to find the area we did. Crime right in our neighborhood is low, the kids play night games, neighbors say hi to each other. We still have a security system and I still plan to learn my weapon well and to know exactly how to use it if I needed too. I plan to take my courses as soon as I can and to get my permit for concealed carry. The only one who can ensure my safety at all times is me and I plan to do that.


I read a really amazing explanation about this very subject at one of our favorite blogs Home on the Range. I think Brigid says it even better than I do.

So......yeah.

So I got home today with my fluffy little chicks. I get them set up in the garage with a heatlamp and some nice warm pine shavings. I went outside to get the hen set up...and she was off the nest. The eggs were cold, and she had absolutely no interest in the eggs. I put her back on the nest and tucked a baby under her and she stepped on it on her way back outside. I now have baby chicks in my garage. Yay.

Broody hens

I have a hen who has gone broody (for those of you unfamiliar with chickens, this means she is mean as a rattlesnake and probably more prone to bite. Actually it means she wants to be a mama but she's still mean.) and I want her to be able to hatch out babies. Because I don't have a functioning rooster at the moment, her own eggs won't do. So, I have two options. I can get some fertilized eggs and hope she stays on them long enough for them to hatch (She's already been setting for a week now) or I can buy chicks and hope she accepts them. So tomorrow I am going to go buy two chicks and put them with her. If they are still under her by the next morning, we are good to go and I will buy a few more. If she rejects them, I will raise them myself and get her some eggs. I guess I just feel bad that she has been so miserable and cranky and gets nothing for it.

Lila gets a gun!

Woo hoo. I went and bought my conceal carry gun yesterday. I went a little bigger than I had anticipated but I think the trade off was worth it. I looked at the whole range but my choices are not as broad as some as I am a lefty. So either it needed to be a revolver or an ambidextrous semi-auto. A couple reasons I wanted that was ease of use. My .40 is no made for a left handed user. So to switch clips I had to switch hands as my mag release was located for the right thumb. Same for the slide. I had taught myself to shoot right handed if I had too but it still was not my strong side. Hubby was pushing for a hammerless revolver. No issue with slides or mag release.


So we looked through Hubby's favorite local shop. I honestly had never been in having always just waited in the car with the girls when we had an ammo purchase or at home. I got lucky that the owner/instructor was the one who helped me. On top of my need as a lefty I also needed it to be something smooth and easy. My FMS means days when my hand strength is very little so I needed a slide I could pull back with ease even on a bad day and that I could release even without a bullet in the chamber. Trigger needed to be firm but easy enough for me to work. I wanted it to also be safe enough for me to feel comfortable with the kids around it.

I tried a few of the semi-auto's but had a hard time with the slide release. It was a bad day strength wise which made it the perfect day to shop. Finally we narrowed it to the new S & W Bodyguard .38 Special Revolver and the HK P2000 9MM Semi Auto. I took both into the range to try. I shot the HK first and honestly wasn't sure I liked the kick. Then I shot the .38 and that was terrible for me. The fibro makes all my joints hurt and the kick to the revolver shot agony through my hands. Beautiful little gun and my husband loved it. He may go back to get it anyway for that reason but for me the HK was a much better fit. So I got it!!

We bought it, my conceal holster to go at the base of my spine. I think on my person that is the best spot for it. We also got several types of home defense rounds to see which one feels better when I shoot. I also got snap caps to practice my dry fire and slide at home without worry of damage. We put my open carry holster on order and I will take my concealed weapons course next month. So this girl is getting better prepared. I feel I have to. Crime here is going through the roof. I am not going to open carry all over the place, but when we are on the quads in the desert I plan to. I also will probably conceal carry pretty regularly.

Been a while since I've posted.....

but things here have been pretty dull. My mountain man decided the trailer was way to big and actually followed my advice so we sold it and put money back where it needed to be. I am going to buy my concealed carry weapon this week. In our new state you take a course and have to qualify with the weapon you plan to carry and my .40 is just not quite the right fit. I don't feel super comfortable with it and my lack of hand strength from my FMS needs to be a consideration as well as he fact that I am a lefty. My right handed guy bought the .40 for me so the ease of use for safety release is not there and the slide is not fluid. It takes more strength than I always have. So looking myself for a gun that will work. Pretty excited for the prospect since I usually leave the weapons buying to Hubby.

Bug and Monkey are growing like weeds. We had to shave the little ones head because she decided to roll around in glue. It was great fun for my husband but I cried. He hair was already short so it isn't a huge difference but still enough to make me sad!

We still have a dual family house at the moment. Teenagers are fun. It has been nice to switch off cooking duties though I know my BIL is anxious to be doing more than household chores.

Life is good in the desert though the heat is starting to hit already. Not looking forward to it at all!

QOTD

A friend ordering coffe at Starbucks: "What do you have in sugarless?"
Starbucks girl, "Blah, blah, blah"
Friend, " I will have a hazelnut...oh never mind. I want a white chocolate grande..with whipped creme."

Totally made my day!

Getting geared up for the summer!

Ok so I know I have been pretty absent (ok, totally absent for quite some time, but who's getting technical here?), but there has simply been nothing to blog about for a very long time. But now I have spring fever and I am ready to get ready. What am I doing to get ready, you may ask?
Well, for starters, I have got my garden planned out. Now I just have to wait untill the wnow melts to put that plan into action.
My chickens are getting ready too so I have to get the coop ready for them. This morning I braved the wind and cold in order to clean out the nesting boxes. Much to the annoyance of the hen who was waiting to lay in said boxes. I left all of the hay on the floor because it serves as an insulator and it is still just too cold to take it out yet. So I have one hen laying already and hopefully now that the boxes are cleaned out, the rest will follow suit.
Back to the garden. This year we are planing a new venture that will make my garden produce a thousand times more! Ok, maybe not a THOUSAND times but it will certainly make this year much better. We are going to be beekeepers! Yup, for real. I ordered my bees yesterday and with the next paycheck I am ordering my starter kit which includes my hive. I know this sounds like I am putting the cart before the horse, buying bees before I have a home for them but there is a reason. The bees will not arrive untill May but the hive will be here shortly. I have a neighbor with 20+ fruit trees and tons of flowers. I have a list of flowers that are favorites of bees that I plan on planting this year as well.
I am also working on getting back into the food storage game. Working on toiletries at the moment. A local grocery store has toothpaste and tooth brushes on sale for 98 cents so we got a few to put in the bucket.
I will keep everyone updates on my progress and hopefully this year will be a much more productive year than last year.