Friday, June 24, 2011

AC DOWN!!! ........ and other stuff.

So I want to write. I always want to write but I am fabulous at putting it off for whatever reason I can. I think the current theme has been not wanting to stay up since it has to be done after Monkey goes to bed plus not wanting to approach a pretty violent but necessary scene. I am approaching this book again on the basis that my heroine is not a ninny. I kind of created her to be originally. She took long standing physical and emotional abuse and it wasn't until she became pregnant and her father died that she found the courage to leave. Now I am not coming down on abused women. Before I met and married my guy I had a pretty ugly relationship. It happens. It can happen to very smart very confident women and it can take them by surprise. I just don't want to write that story. I think a lot of the reason for the change in how I view her has come as I have gained more confidence in myself as a woman. My awesome guy has always been 100% supportive. He has always had confidence in me, found me beautiful, and pushed me to be more. He married a wuss. I honestly was a wall flower and in certain ways still am. I hate confrontation and often stayed quiet even if it meant allowing myself to be hurt. That has changed over recent years and as that has changed the view of the women I want to write has changed.

I knew I needed re-writes for this book. If any of you have been to my website and read my rough work you can see what I mean. This book, so far titled "Kat's Escape", has a great plot. I love the theme. But before I run the gauntlet again of agents, especially after my horrible last experience, I want to do some re-writing. I plan to pull in the POV aspects. In the first chunk of the book I jump to other characters POV (point-of-view) and away from the hero and heroine and villian(s?). I also want Kat to be stronger. Signs of her husband's junk will have been there but the actual physical fight is going to be the catalyst. Being hit and her father's death is what makes her leave. So I am on that scene. Husband has finally snapped his carefully contained leash and beaten her to a pulp and raped her. I have to write that. I plan to skirt the rape. More of a fade to black as he undoes his pants and approaches type thing. I don't have the stomach for that despite the fact it is needed for my story line to go as I need it to. I mean she does have a pregnancy to contend with after all.

So I am avoiding. Avoiding because of the violence which is hard for me to write on a few levels even though I write romantic suspense which typically has some violence for the reason of overcoming it. I am avoiding because I don't want to give up sleep though my husband would understand and even be thrilled over it. At the root I am avoiding because my confidence as a writer is still shaky. The agent debacle totally tore my confidence up and getting back into the grove has been rough. In a way blogging helps because it releases some of the tension but I need to get back to my stories. I have a whole series for youth that needs written and all the other stories that pop through my head. They need telling and I need to just stop letting fear rule. Uggg.........

Oh and to top it off the AC is down. In the desert. With temps hitting 108 at the house. Poor hubby has had it hit 112 at work. Yuck.


  1. I'm sure it is tough getting your writing just the way you want it to be. Writing about something that has a connection to your own personal background must be even tougher. I wouldn't let some agent bother me overly much. Plenty of people who were wildly successful as authors once the right combination of people and events occurred suffered similar experiences.

  2. Thanks! Now to get my writing confidence to match the rest of me. Lol.

  3. Hang in there, you'll get it. Without A/C I'd die down here.

  4. You know you can call me anytime to bounce ideas around. We make kind of an awesome team.

  5. Writing has to be a pull, not a push.

    The trick is to find what makes the pull happen.

  6. Thanks Stephen! We got it fixed. $500 later. Yuck.

    Gracie we make an excellent team. Ever since the boys worked 6 hours away and I called in a panic needing a rescue. Not going to change lol.

    North pull is not my problem. When I actually write I can get 50,000 words + out in a month with only a couple hours a day writing. It flows. I had an agent who loved it and jumped. Was signed on that first book. And spent 2 years under contract where he did nothing. He sat on it and decided his other avenues were more lucrative. He was a part of Tori Spelling's newest show. Lowly me was not important enough. That busted my confidence. I have had a hard time getting it back. Those who love me (like Maggy and Gracie and my Hubby) say I am great. But they love me. Hard to build back when someone who should have fought for me didn't think me worth fighting for. In my gut I know I am good. My confidence isn't convinced.


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