OMGosh! I am actually blogging!

Wow, Lila has been busy. I figured it was time to pull at least part of my own weight around here. So today you get a post from Gracie. I have been insanely busy the last couple of weeks and just haven't had the time. Last week I spent the week with my family celebrating my dad's 80th birthday. I had a GREAT time visiting with all of my family but honestly, it felt AMAZING to sleep in my own bed.

I have several posts I plan on writing either today or tomorrow and posting over the next few days. I have garden updates, bee updates (those bugs are nuts!), and just life in general updates. Hopefully I can keep up with Lila so she doesn't have to do the lions share of keeping up with our blog.

Libertarian Reflection.

I'm sitting at my table this morning feeling pretty reflective. We are now 2 days from the "default day" and while research and reading all of my favorite blogs has shown this day to be a mixture of fact and fiction it is the day those in government have been spouting as important to our economic future. My question is this: If is it so important, so critical to the future of this country that we make drastic financial changes by August 2 why then on July 31 are you all in D.C. still arguing like children over your toys? This group fights that proposal, that group fights this proposal. Frankly the lack of any sort of agreement on putting this country above your own ideas makes me feel sick inside. We allowed this. We have built up a government of hundreds of congress and senate members and now they all bicker like toddlers fighting over a treat. I love this country, I love the ideals and tenets it was built upon. It makes me so sad and disappointed to see that personal gain has been put before the wants of the people and that our needs as a country are less important than proving a point. We need to reduce the size of government and it's ability to make stupid laws. Brawny had the right idea in her most recent post. I know they came up with the number of congress and senate members they did for a reason they feel valid but I think it is a number much to high. Stop paying all that money out to people who don't care about our needs anyway. Stop with the elections all the dang time and start making them pay attention to what we want and need. That is their job. They are supposed to be working for the people, representing our desires and wants. They aren't doing that.

Monkey in the dark.

My little Monkey has developed a new quirk. She hates her bed. I never did the Cry It Out thing. I nursed her as long as she wanted. I am one who believes that little ones grow as they are supposed to, especially when they have the benefit of having Mommy home to love and take care of and nurture them. I let Bug decide when she was ready to go to bed on her own and have the same plan with Monkey. She still likes to be cuddled to sleep. Last night she got ready for bed by putting on her nightgown and her pull-up and then we dug out her "Nawa" (She still refuses to say water right even though she knows how, hehe) She was set. As soon as we climbed into her bed the tears started. Even when I could calm her down she would relax for a minute or two and then sob again. She kept saying. "No like my bed Mama, Me no like it." I got her calmed enough that at one point she said she was afraid and together with Nephew and her sister we turned on her lights and looked her whole room over but still she wouldn't be comforted. I am hoping it passes as some of her other anti-sleep fazes have but I hate thinking I am torturing her. I finally put her in my bed after over an hour of sobbing and she went right to sleep. A few hours later when I went to bed I moved her to her room. She managed to make it a little over an hour before she woke up and was hysterical. I don't know how to make her more happy about her room. I am planning to move things around and get her toys more easily accessible in her room. She has been getting up super early and I am hoping having more toys available might give me some relief from the 5 AM wakeup calls. Plus she is getting bigger and I want to take the rocking chair out of her room. Maybe I will do that this weekend and let her pick some new bedding. See if that helps her feel better if it feels like a new room. Any other thoughts or ideas?

Created a blog just for my writing.

I am going forward in a life with positive thinking. Kat's book will be done soon and somehow I am going to publish. I want to blog about that work and all my writing but I don't want it taking over here so i made a blog just for the writing. So if you are interested in it and in supporting it please follow that too. Trust me that it is okay if you don't want to follow it. I do write chick stuff. I am also writing more than that and with North's help am getting a world built that I think you manly men will enjoy as well. No pressure though, lol.



Lila's Books - The Blog!

Another family in need....

I know. I post stories about families in need sometimes. I can't help it. If they have a connection to me in some way, even if it is small I have to at least spread the word. I would hope they would do the same but who knows. I do know if it were us how grateful we would be for anyone who spread the call for help. A relatives twin nieces share a home. Both of their men are U.S. Coast Gurard in Washington. One couple has 2 young sons. Days ago they were hit with a horrible fire. They lost everything except what each couple had in their safe, the clothes on their backs and miraculously the flag of the deceased soldier father of one of the men. They are in major need of any help they can get. The girl's mom has a blog written detailing everything here and she supplies links with info on how to help if you can. If you are in the Vancouver/Portland area she can take in person donations of help. She is fielding everything right now so the girls and their families can focus on other things.

Discussion with Anonymous.

I am a huge believer of free speech but not at the cost of someone else. Anonymous I have removed your comments from my recent post about a grieving Marine wife for a very big reason. That post links to her blog and if she has trackback on her blog will easily be found not only by her but by others grieving the loss of a very amazing man and a hero. I think your comments, especially when her grief is raw could cause her some pain and I don't want that. So I wanted to address you most recent comment here because I think it needs to be said and then I have no intent to respond again.

First comment:

Anonymous said...

Why do they do it? I don't know about you Lila but I read stuff like that and get so damned mad. All that hurt and pain...for what?

I sometimes think the best thing to do with those effing moslems is just drop a great big friggin bomb on them and walk away...

That poor woman doesn't deserve it.

This was my response:

Lila said...

No one deserves that kind of pain. To lose the love of your life in the first blush of marriage is a huge travesty. BUT my thinking is that no one small thought defines an entire group. I have met quite a few muslims who are as disgusted by the few using their religion to kill and maime. Catholics have done it. Even my church I love has had its few who used the faith as a war banner. The faith is not the one we fight against. It is those who make their mission in life the persecution and opression of others. We may not agree with the war or its reasons for starting but every soldier I know would say they have no regrets on serving and would do it again. Most are proud of their service because it is not about the mission it is about honoring a country that at the majority is hard working hard loving and free. Decemating a region goes against what they fight for.

This is the reply I found this morning when I got up.

Anonymous said...

I agree we have good moslems and bad moslems Lila...but we can't fight the bad ones and save the good ones. All we are doing is getting America's best men killed by the worst 3rd world human trash - and nobody pays the price more so than mom and the kids at home.

This warm fuzzy approach to war failed in Viet Nam, it darn near cost the war in Iraq - and it is failing miserably in Afghanistan.Can you imagine how WW2 would have turned out if we only targetted the 'bad' nazis? And argued endlessly among ourselves about exactly who those bad nazis were? If we gave them full benefit of the doubt, the luxury of human shields, and the benefit of endless 'due diligence' as we tried to gather enough evidence to justify a kill? They would have eaten us alive!

Hell, we aren't even trying to distinguish good moslems from bad ones anymore. They are radicalizing their youth against us right here in north America right now.Rabid imams and mullahs are actively preaching race hate. They've done the same in Europe and now they are doing it here. Yes, I know full well there are good moslems - but wherever their faith goes, bloodshed follows. And these supposedly 'good moslems' do nothing about it!They go quiet as church mice! If Americans pulled crap like this we would literally have a civil war over it.

That is what enrages me most about this. We can't deal with these people with kid gloves. Until we understand that, the man's death, the woman's grief, the children's loss - all of that hurt and pain and blood is for nothing.

Sorry for the rant Lila...but that woman's plight got me right in the heart. She doesn't even have the comfort of knowing that her husband's death was for a good cause. We deserve better than that.

Okay, Once again I appreciate free speech and different opinions. It is a right I employ regularly with this blog, with life, and with writing. That being said I do think there is a time and a place for rants. I think your rant is cowardly. I am pretty sure I speak for all 3 of us. You come to our blog and read and we love readers but you post on a blog connected to a grieving widow belittling the mission her husband died serving and you don't even have the guts to use your name or even take the time to consider what she would feel reading your comments.

Now to your rant itself. It is not our job to choose who lives or dies. What chooses that and I am willing to bet the men who served and are serving agree is weather or not they are the one pointing the gun, carrying the bomb, or shouting their rhetoric. There are proven reports of good Nazi's. Men who put on the uniform to save their own lives and that of their families and then used that uniform to run info to our allies, help Jewish families escape, or even hid Jewish families themselves. No people is defined by a label in my opinion and it is thinking and judging a complete group based on the misdeeds of some that is bringing the world down. Maggy had a very close friend who honestly was like family during her marriage to a soldier. This soldier fought hard for the US. He wore his fatigues with courage and pride and he never wavered from his commitment to this country and to the mission even during his deployment. He was Muslim. To belittle an entire group of people belittles his sacrifice for your right to bash him and it disgusts me. Before you spew hate take a moment to think. Think about who it could impact and who could be reading it. Remember when you do that the woman you feel bad for stands up with courage and pride in her husband. My nephew is serving overseas right now and while he is not in a combat zone I still worry and have pride in him and his service. I am proud of every member serving. They are not doing it to fight against any one but to fight for those who need them and for the country they love. Once again the mission isn't the issue. They see the big picture. White, black, Catholic, Muslim, Straight, or Gay. It doesn't matter to them. They serve to protect the ones they love and the country they love and the values they love.

So before you come onto our blog and anonymously rant about anyone or anything remember: While I am a firm believer of free speech on this blog my free speech trumps yours. If you can not show respect to our troops and their sacrifices then don't speak.

Mind all over the place.....

One of the joys of being me is that I am always thinking. Thinking of ways to fix a problem, thinking of tasks that need to be done, thinking of stories to write and plot twists in the current stories I have on my plate. That also happens to be one of the curses to being me. My brain has a hard time shutting down. I am always wanting to figure it out, solve it, change it, read it, write it. It is probably a part of the insomnia problem. I run dual screens on my desktop pc. On one I have my writing and the other has the web with a game or facebook or something and music running in the background. For some reason the distractions help me write faster. I can easily write a few thousand words in the space of a couple hours and still look at facebook or play solitare every so often. If Monkey were big enough that I could have the gates down and trust her around the house and she only needed food help and the like, or our house were smaller I could easily write several books a year. The stories float in my brain constantly. That is part of why I like having multiple genres. The problem is going to be finding an agent who likes all of my genres and works with them. I am not sure how to do that. I am also concerned about my submitting. I am on chapter 5 edits and am easily going to be done with the edits of this book by my birthday next month. I want to then submitt it out to a few agents/publishers. I did that before though and it was rough to know who to submitt to and that was before i expanded to other genres.

LOL see how my mind runs. This started as a reflection on my brain being all over the place and ended up being a worrying session. I drive myself batty. A few think I should self-pub but I honestly doubt I would make any real sales. I also think my series concept has some major potential (Thanks North for being a sounding board!) as it crosses genres and is fairly rare in the way I am thinking of it. I know that it has been sort of done but not exactly what I want to do. I want it to be about the crimes and the survival and the supernatural all in one tight package. I think I can do that. I think I can do that well. BUT if the first books I have ready are contemporary romantic suspense then do i look for an agent who does that or who does more and hope my voice comes through well enough in the 2 books that they are confident I can do the other as well.


Hmmm.......... I think I will take my over-active brain back to the editing and stop obsessing about problems I haven't hit yet.

What true strength and love looks like.

I have several military wives as friends. Some prepping for new deployments, some just got their men home, others just moved to new bases. They have always been a vision of strength for me. One friend is a Marine Wife. Those of you who were or were married to that branch know they each have their own unique worries. My friend like most keeps up with other wives and blogs of same. One wife's blog has spread like wildfire recently. Her husband was KIA just a few weeks ago and she blogged about learning of that and his funeral and just posted again because his homecoming would have been today. Her strength is what true strength is. That she is sharing how raw and tender she is feeling right now is awing and humbling. I cried. A lot. Her husband was a hero and in my eyes so is she.

Hershey the nesting bir...... I mean dog.

So after the Inconsiderate Neighbor decided our black lab was her mortal enemy and that whole debacle (Monkey still cries when she sees a big black dog) we got a tiny 8 lb. inside lap dog. This way Mrs. words I can't even type because I try to not say mean things has no reason to have us visited by the animal police regularly. For those who are new we named our new addition Hershey. She is a Chihuahua Dachshund mix and pretty sweet. She seems to be paper trained which I hate so we are trying to get her to go outside rather than a spot she chose in the entryway. She is good on the leash and very tolerant with kids. On the family camp out she was manhandled a ton and only barked at the kids once when her ear was bit by an over excited toddler. She chews. I give her dog toys and bones but if Monkey leaves something out it becomes fair game. She wants people food and figures Monkey is a good target since she is so small. The habits of being a stray I think. We are working on all these bad habits. We discovered an interesting doozy today. At night she likes to cuddle and so she sleeps in Bug's room. Bug puts a potty mat down hence knowing she was paper trained. She uses the mat well. Anyway so we leave our door open for the girls. Tonight Hershey was under our bed and I heard her chewing something while I am on my laptop editing my book. Hubby asks me to shoo her out to Bug so I try to call her out but she won't come. Bug calls her and she won't come. So we get a flash light. Seems she has stolen toilet paper rolls from my bathroom and shredded them, stolen laundry from the basket and has built a nest under my bed. Seriously. A huge freakish nest. What dog does that? She is part bird I think. I swear every pet we get needs therapy for some weird issue.

Jasper is back with Gracie's rescue group and we discovered it wasn't men he feared but people in hats. Seriously? AND my thinking he needed a playmate to calm the other issues turned out to be true. So we probably could have kept him if Hubby would have stopped wearing hats, the neighbor wasn't an evil Bleeping bleeper bleep, we had another dog, and I had the health of a normal 28 year old. Uggg......

AMY WINEHOUSE IS DEAD....... Oh and Norway had an attack that killed dozens...

News in general makes me mad. Norway is facing a devastating loss. Last CNN count had the toll from both the bomb and shooting at 92 with more to come. Maggy spent time there as an exchange student so this hits especially hard for her and she spent time worrying about people she loves very much yesterday. The world should be focusing on this and on sending love and support to the people impacted by this.

Now word comes from England that Amy Winehouse has died. It is running across CNN's front page. Yes they still have a lot of coverage up of the attacks in Norway but my news feeds on facebook are already being bombarded with info from England. This drives me nuts. Yes this is a very sad loss to the music community. She had a beautiful voice. BUT far to often real world events get drowned out by celebrity news. People are becoming so wrapped up in Brangilina and the newest celebrity baby and are ignoring the real news that it is no wonder the bureaucrats in DC get away with such crap. Love the craft and the art of music and film but stop obsessing over their personal lives and start taking an interest in the actual happenings in the real world. You might just improve your country.

Awwweeee..... Do I gotta?

Today I embark on that most dreaded of quests. School clothes shopping with a 9 year old girl, a group of teenagers, a two year old, and my brother in law. I am not sure which terrifies me more. If I don't come back alive I'll miss you all.

Blah.....

Today is a day for the blah's. It is already 91 outside and will hit 105 by noon. Hubby and BIL are both welding right now with Hubby in the tunnel so they are averaging 112+. Very bad. My poor guy comes home and pretty much eats, showers and goes to bed until the next day. I seem to have a stomach bug that has resulted in some major pain. YUCK.

Today starts an important process in the custody fight concerning my niece and nephew. It makes me reflect again on how hard divorce is. I really wish that all couples who end up divorcing could step back from their own hurt and anger and put it aside for the sake of their kids. Seeing how the bitterness and fighting has hurt these kids makes my chest ache. I want to take them away and make it better but I know that they are with the parent who can best take care of them. They both had to grow up far to quickly and it is such a shame. I can only hope that the court system works for them.

Dinner tonight is all about cleaning out the fridge. It is full of some scrumptious left overs and we are running out of space for other things.

Monkey slept horribly last night and ended up in our bed. I think her tummy hurts as much as mine. Bug had her first friend sleep over last night and i think it went well. They had treats and played on the trampoline before sleeping out there under the stars. I am so glad she is coming out of her shell and really being more social.

As you can see the blah's mean life here is pretty un-exciting today. I finished editing the second chapter of my book and am slowly chugging through. Hopefully I have it ready by my birthday, which was my original goal. The other book needs a little less in the edit department I think so shouldn't take as long. I am excited to put them out and see how it goes. Then I want to dig in to the first in the youth fantasy adventure book. i am also thinking the paranormal cop series I started might be more fun and have more depth if it was post-apocalyptic. Still law and order but with a different world circumstance. That idea bears more thought.

Silent long enough.....

So I have resisted comment on the current debt debacle going on in D.C. because honestly I am so disgusted with politics in general lately that I have had no idea what to say. I think that once again those elected are not actually listening to the people. "Cut, Cap, and Balance" has some pretty good points. Mega cuts are needed and a cap is a great idea. Balancing the budget and requiring a super-majority vote for certain changes is a good thing. We fall into a tax bracket where hubby paid in a hefty % last year much to our shock. Despite looking froward to that return I honestly think that if it improved the economy and the entitlements were reformed as well as some immigration crack downs we both would feel comfortable paying more. I have been looking at the "Gang of Six" and their new plan today. If it does what they claim I think this plan looks very promising. Part of the problem has been the total complication of things. You get this tax break but that tax so you actually pay this....... blah, blah, WTF? I swear tax law is it's own language. I do the taxes for a few people besides us and I swear it boggles my mind. Hubby paid in XX amount but only got back a small chunk despite owning a home and 2 kids. A SIL made not even a 1/3, has one child and rents, paid in far less, and received quite a bit more back. It boggled my mind. Heck my MIL didn't even pay in because she made so little but she received a return? Really? Makes absolutely no sense to me at all. Simplification would be nice. I think reforming entitlements (SSI to me is not entitlement as you pay in you should get back.) so that citizenship requirements are more thoroughly checked and credit checks are ran to see if those applying have crazy amounts of credit and such would be good. I was in Wal-mart yesterday and we are trying to save so I can see the first niece born to my side of the family be blessed in a couple weeks and so we can visit other family in Utah for a family tradition of Derby weekend. I kept telling the girls "No" when they asked for the usual weird kid requests and finally said we were trying to not spend money. I got such nasty looks from a few people and one of them ended up behind us in line to check out. Should have seen the shock when I handed over my debit card and not a food stamps card. I think because I seemed frustrated and I said we didn't have the money he assumed we were on food stamps yet my cart was very full. Um no, just teaching my kids about budget. Back to the plan. Major cuts is a very good thing. Yes times are tough and things need to be done but we don't have the money and we need to stop spending more than we have. We borrow from John to pay Jim and ignore our own needs and it has to stop. Hopefully they figure something out soon. I don't like where things are headed but I think some people are trying to do the right thing. They just might be in the minority still.

Fiercely independent and completely driving me nuts.

I love my children. I fought very hard to have them, often thinking my health and sanity were going out the window to bring them life. There are almost exactly 7 years between my girls. Fate and infertility made that happen. I wanted only 3 or 4 years between them.

Bug was born when we were pretty young and only 10 1/2 months after our marriage, much sooner than we had planned. Still kids ourselves in a lot of ways but we were thrilled to have her despite how hard my pregnancy was. She was a quiet and mellow baby. She loved to play on the floor with her stuffed toys that my Hubby won in claw machines. She thought everything was an adventure. I drove the 12 hour drive between the PNW and Utah several times with her as a toddler and by myself and she did great. On days I felt horrible, and long before we had a name for why, she would happily sit on my back and watch a movie or play with her toys so I could rest and know she was safe. She hated to get into trouble. She would explore and if she went somewhere she shouldn't all it took was a stern voice and she rarely did it again. She loved to sit in the cart facing me when we shopped so we could chatter. She had to grow with us in some ways, especially her daddy. We were both still figuring out what we wanted from life. He found his career and I found my goals as well. We both mended relationships and went through therapy. We had some rough patches as early marriage can. Bug was my little buddy and my constant companion.

Monkey came along when we had found our feet. Hubby and I both had really beaten back the demons of our youth and were happy in our goals and ideas as a team. She came into stability and with a big sister who adored her. If you see pictures of them at the same ages they look almost identical. It is uncanny. Looks is about the only similarity though. Two girls could not be more different. Bug is a bit of a tom boy and darker. She loves scary movies and stories and never really liked princesses and baby dolls. Monkey is super girly. She wants dresses and ribbons, baby dolls and princess curtains. Where Bug stuck to me like glue Monkey is amazingly independent. All day I hear "Me do it Mama!" She wants to dress herself and wash herself and feed herself. She hates to be still. The only time she is in one place is in the car. Even asleep she wiggles across her bed. We put her into a toddler bed at 18 months and a twin bed at 2 because she moved so much she just didn't have enough room. I have child proofed an area of our house so that I can relax some because otherwise she is everywhere. as it is I still have to watch because she will eat the dog food or try to climb the kitchen table. We had to shave her head a few months ago because she jimmied the baby lock on the cupboard and then covered herself in puzzle glue in 30 seconds flat. That stuff refused to come out of her hair. When we shop she has to walk or help me push the cart. She has to kiss everyone before bed and with the extra family here that can take a while.She is brilliant when she wants to be. She recognizes a few words already on her flash cards and knows how to count to 10. She sings certain songs and loves to play pretend. She also is super caring. She chose to wean on her own. I nursed her until 15 months. She noticed me wince one night as I was nursing her to sleep because her teeth rubbed. After that she refused to nurse even when I offered. She didn't like hurting me. Still if she accidentally hurts anyone she immediately says sorry and kisses it better. Of course if it is something naughty she has to do it any chance she can. I find her trying to climb the gate or onto the table often. She loves to get into the fridge. she thinks spoons and forks are great weapons. She needs the corner and every one in a while a swat on her bottom before she gets that she is doing something dangerous or harmful and she can't keep doing it. I think sometimes her goal is to make me the crazy Walmart lady we all run from. You know the mom. The one with wild hair, screaming as she drags her dirty child through the store like an insane person. I have a lot more sympathy for her now after I pull Monkey from the 5th clothes rack and resort to bribing her into sitting in the cart with candy.

Sometimes you need to be selfish.

We live the concept of "If you have it, share it." I think we have made the mistake of sharing too much and putting some of our needs/wants last. I know I have posted about it before because it is a theme we repeat but I think this time we are serious about changing that. We very much want to help the people that we love, we hate to see them hurting but I think we have helped to the point that we don't have some of the things done that I wish we did.

We live in a horrible housing market. Houses in our neighborhood have dropped even lower in the 2 years since we bought so even though we are not as upside down as most we will need to stretch to break even when we sell after this project is done. We need to finish the back yard and paint the entire house as well as do some small things to help that happen.

My eyesight is not perfect anymore. My astigmatism came back. To fix it I need to go back to the Lasic center that did my original surgery in the PNW. This means at least 3 nights away, alone, and an eye surgery while there.

My husband has several things he wants to take care of that require money. They aren't "have to do", none of this is really, BUT they are pretty important to us and with the hard work that he does he deserves for those things to be taken care of.

We have pushed those things aside as well as some of the prepping list to help others. I don't feel like any of the choices we made were mistakes necessarily but I do think that it is okay to put some of our own list ahead of others needs more than we do. Does that make me evil? I feel evil. The evil meter North found said we weren't too bad but when I feel like this I think that has to be wrong. Uggg..... Sometimes finding a good balance is a hard thing to do huh?

Relaxing Sunday target shoot.

We did a family shoot today. Hubby and Bug are the 2 in the pic. I shot my 9mm with the idea of "Lila stop concentrating so hard." and seemed to do pretty good. I think the problem was that I was over thinking it. It also felt smoother in my hands. Yay. Hubby didn't bring our 10-22 so I shot the pink one. Awkward! It was built with longevity and her in mind so there was no way to shoot left handed. I do okay right handed and shot 50 rounds through but it wasn't perfect. I had assumed our 10-22 was the one Hubby intended for my long-distance use if SHTF. I was wrong. Apparently he pushed for a custom built 6MM that used to belong to his parents because of how it shoots, weight, accuracy and such. The reason I didn't know was because Hubby has been getting it back into perfect working order and being a guy didn't think to tell me. LOL.

Overall we all had a lot of fun. Even Monkey digging in the dirt for treasure. Nephew and Bug waged war on a Kangaroo Rat though I think it came out victorious as it was not dead when we left. Yay for Sunday morning relaxation.

Ideas?

You guys have been so great with ideas I thought you might have more. Hubby's project is finally after many delays getting close to where he can do the job he came here to do. Until then he has been welding. Since he is in final prep in the tunnel he has been welding in temps of 120+ and easily either sweats through his clothes or the water from the tunnel soaks him. When it was cooler he wore under armor or thermals but now wearing them would give him heat stroke very quickly. So now we have a problem. He has to wear double fronted Carhart work pants. Thick rough jeans that now get soaked every day with no protective layer between them and his skin means painful rubbing and chafing across his legs. Add that he designed a new man-life for the crane to drop the men the 600+feet down the shaft and he has been in a harness at times hanging suspended to weld as well. Any ideas? The guys think pantyhose but I think that there has to be an ultra thin layer of something better suited. I know you guys hunt so thought you might have some thoughts.

I did it!!

I finally finished my re-write of chapter 1 on my first book. Uggg........ I put the new and the old up on my facebook if anyone is interested in checking it out. Add me by my email Lila at readlilawilliams dot com!! It has some cussing and a chick gets beat by her husband but she gets some good licks in too and she leaves. I like the new much better than the old but would love some thoughts!

When you face a darkness it is always with you in odd moments.

I was a teen statistic. I was rebellious, I was often sneaking out, I flirted with whatever danger I could find and if the proposition seemed sweet enough I did a lot more than flirt. I did it in cycles. Some months I was the A student, head in her books, always in class, the next few months I was cutting constantly and high as a kite as I slinked away with whatever boy I was desperate enough to let in my life. When I was acting out I was a liar. If I spoke it was probably a lie. Somehow I maintained a 30 hour a week job and managed to do my junior and senior years at once to graduate early. I was pretty weird. Driven to be on my own but sick of life. I was at war with myself and my parents. My dad did the best he could but emotion and females we not his strong suit and my biological mother walked at her first chance and never looked back. I learned during these teen years that the abuse i thought was dreams was truth from her and knew I was better off but a huge part of me ached for a mom. Luckily at 16 I got one and to this day she is a wonderful addition to my life and though she and my dad later divorced he has also grown much better at communication and is happily married which seems to help our relationship.

All of the up and down led to some pretty rough times. I am a very emotional person. I cry over everything even if I don't want to. I just teared up singing to Monkey for nap time because I was so full of love for her. It is frustrating to me but it completely drives people around me demented. Luckily Hubby tends to let me cry and then once I am done and back to being me we talk. So from a young age the people around me told me to stop crying. All. The. Time. Even if it was something worth crying over. So when I got upset as a teen I cut myself. Or I had sex. Or I did drugs. Or I drank. I looked for ways to hide from any emotion. I wrote a lot but that usually meant feeling too much. So all the acting out to hide led to more stupidity. I tried to commit suicide. Luckily that failed.

One thing that helped and still helps is music. Music seems to find a way to express how I feel when I can't. I also write my books. I knew I wanted to write love stories but I decided to add more crime to them, more overcoming these horrible things to find love. That gives me a couple good things. I get to re-imagine myself every time I tell a story. I also get to kill a few people in extremely gory ways at times and get some vengeance without ever having to really be violent. Such a cathartic experience.

I think any time we go through times when we feel drenched in darkness pieces of it linger as a reminder of what we saw and did and what we overcame. I catch a glance of them in odd moments as I go about my life. I am blessed that when I met my Hubby we were both in the dark but saw something in the other we wanted to save and we each knew that to do that we would have to step into the light as well. We took a journey together that has had it's moments where it felt like the dark was going to pull us back but we struggled and fought through and we continue every day to save the other.

Nothing is permanent. No bad time is endless. It can be easy in a moment of strife to look back at a seemingly better time and wish we were there instead of in the trials surrounding us. One thing I have to do is find something positive always. Yes money sucks, bills seem endless, health is crazy, kids are fighting, blah blah...... BUT I have a great marriage. I have beautiful daughters. I have food in my belly and a roof over my head. I have more than I ever dreamed I would and I would not change that. For all the worries and fears I live a very blessed life.

So I leave you with some of the songs that have spoke to me. Yes they are all girly. Sorry for that. None of them are classic anything. But the words speak to me about my feelings in the dark and my journey through and the fabulousness of the life I live. Maybe they will help you, make you smile, give you a laugh, or lift your spirits. (Or someone you know as tough strong men admitting to enjoying Demi Lovato would be crazy right?)

Making a list and checking it twice!

Okay. My guy is a hard worker. When we are in prep he works 50 a week. When he is tunneling he can work a whole lot more. We have had years where he was lucky to have 10 days total off the entire year. As this job is behind I imagine that will be the case here soon. So unless he is in a frame of mind where he isn't recovering from the work I leave him be on discussing bigger things. This past weekend he was cleaning. He does that when I have been especially sick. This included reorganizing his side of our bedroom. (I swear aliens move in, I stay far far away.) He also repacked his gobag. This gave me the perfect opening to say that I would like to add bags for all of us, discuss a family meeting place out of the city, and I think a get home bag for him is in order. Once again I was surprised to learn he had pretty much everything in his truck to get home except a decent gun and the reason for that is his project is such as it is that weapons are prohibited and vehicles are searched. Other items are prohibited as well. I didn't know that. You learn every day right. So we are planning out our bags. Woohoo.

I have also come to a bit of a realization. Yes I am slow on some of these at times. My FMS has me on 2 meds currently. Part of the problem for most with FMS is sleep. We don't. If we do we don't do it deeply enough to get that good healing sleep. I went to the doctor to discuss my recent after camping flare and my sleep. My usual plan had been Tylenol PM several nights a week. Can't be healthy. I wanted to see what I could do to improve my sleep medicinally that wouldn't completely knock me out. I need to be able to get up because Monkey still wakes sometimes. She had no idea. So I had Hubby pick up a "natural" sleep pill. It is a blend of herbs and such that are all supposed to help induce sleep. They do nothing for me so far. But it did get me thinking. I need to keep this search up. When SHTF I need ways to help with my sleep and my pain without meds. Gracie actually uses an oil and thinks it might help me. That would be something to look into using and making myself. I would also like to know how to help my husband with his pain. I have a pretty good herbal medicine book but I think I need a couple more. Some specific to pain and FMS, a book on making my own oils, a book with pictures to help with identification of herbs.

I have also decided that since I can't realistically stockpile food here as this is a horrid location if SHTF I want to look into seed storage. Now that the boys have told me a where I can plan to that and store things I know we can grow there. Also considering looking at an acre in that area. Just a small plot for simple storage purposes maybe. Prices are very low right now so it might be something to think about.


What have you found necessary in a gobag with children? Planning for Hubby and I is one thing and there are obvious needs for the girls that we would carry but what special needs might they have? I welcome your thoughts!

It takes a village!

I am of the firm belief that raising children takes a village. I think children need to be surrounded by love. Mine, I think, are lucky. My husband and I are very much in love still. We are a solid unified unit. Some question that. I have had people tell me there is no possible way we can be that happy. We fight, sure. We have moments where we tick the other off or we hurt the other with a stupid word. I think his habit of sticking candy wrappers in a cup is psychotic. He hates that I don't rinse the tub after I use it or put a towel on the floor over the mat to step on. We deal. We have had some pretty bad moments where leaving crossed both our minds. I have always been sick so all that FMS entails but without the diagnosis made me not easy to deal with especially when I was a young moody mother and he has some demons of his own though almost 5 years of sobriety has helped a lot. We always had a few rules. Never go to bed mad. This resulted in some sleepless nights early in our marriage. Divorce is not an option. EVER. I took a couple trips to see family to give us both some room when things were really bad. All of that means that my kids have parents who love each other passionately and fight for each other and for them. It means we are a great unit.

That is beautiful and more than a lot of kids these days can boast but I think kids need more. Luckily mine have that. Right now my husband's oldest brother Bubba (yes we call him that!) lives with us along with his 16-yr-old daughter and 12-yr-old son. This has been a blessing to both sets of kids. It is really great for my niece and nephew to see a good marriage and to spend time with younger kids. My niece is amazing with our little one and our 9-year-old adores her as well. She hides behind a goth/emo facade but is actually a pretty mature and tender girl. Seeing a woman with morals making good choices is good for her. My nephew is diabetic. Being the back up to my BIL means that my nephew is better maintained and taken care of.

I take my responsibilities as an aunt very seriously. I think that it is good for them to know that they have some one to talk to. In October we will be at 22 nieces and nephews and I hope that all of them know that they have us to talk to if they need it.

We also nurture our children's relationships with their grandparents. I think we could probably do better with that but my anti-social tendencies can be a hamper there.

Another reason I think it is so important to nurture the wider relationships is because if SHTF the kids are the ones most at risk. They need to know who they can count on, where they are. They need a network of people to depend on.

Guns and some needed advice.

Okay. So I need some advice from you lovely gentleman with your vast gun knowledge and incredible amounts of experience in the buying, selling, and trading of said guns. I am young, female, and new to this shooting stuff and Hubby is in the arming for a purpose rather than collecting part of things so we are both completely out of our depth.

A friend is trying to sell part of his collection to aid a grown daughter as she opens her own business. He has worked with my guy for a while and because I am "internet savvy" wanted help trying to sell his guns. They are listed on Guns America. We managed to sell one in the past few months. Three others remain.

The big daddy is a Connecticut Special Launch Edition 20 ga. Side by Side by RBL valued at $12,000

He is asking $8,500. Mint condition.

Then is the K22 6 shot S&W Revolver, Not mint but close. Asking $900

The last is a Browning Challenger .22 made in 1971. Mint condition, never fired, original box. He is asking $800.



I recommended taking them to gun shows and taking the Connecticut to Bass Pro for at the very least a nicely documented appraisal from their fine gun staff. He is a bit stubborn and short on time though so they sit on GA and wait. Thoughts? Ideas? What can we do? Places to list them? I feel awful because he asked for my help but I told him I have no idea what to do beyond listing them for sale.

A cause very close to my heart.

For the newcomers to the blog I will share the background before making my plea. I am a fertility dud. Hubby and I have had 2 losses that we know of. When I had my most recent loss in 2008 my then doctor told me she would do nothing to see what the issue was until I had 3 consecutive losses. Since I had carried a healthy baby to term that meant she wanted 2 more miscarriages. Well I was a mess. I was suicidal. It had taken years for us to conceive each pregnancy. I was then referred to a new OBGYN by a friend from church who was facing the same thing. After some testing we discovered I didn't produce the correct hormones to sustain pregnancy and had very likely had multiple early miscarriages. I was lucky enough that my new doctor's hope and those tests meant that when I came up pregnant again fairly quickly I was put on meds and after a rough pregnancy was able to have our little Monkey. But I still grieved at the thought of all the potential babies I knew about or didn't know about. I knew that I physically and mentally could not handle more losses and made the choice to tie my tubes. I wanted to feel less alone. Another baby loss Mom led me to an amazing organization called Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. They are all about raising awareness of pregnancy and infant loss and giving support to the parents of those sweet little ones. They have applied for a grant in the Pepsi Refresh Contest and need votes. So I am asking you to vote. Vote for your mom, your wife, your sister, your daughter, your friend. Vote for every woman who has or will have to go through this very painful experience. This group gives support and comfort when it seems like no one else on earth can possibly understand. They deserve to gain the ability to spread their love farther!

Birdzilla

Meet Mr Chicken.

We found someone to adopt my murderous rooster and my hen molesting duck. My hens got this strapping bird in exchange. Mr. Chicken is a cochen. He was given to me by a friend of a friend because she had two of these guys. He is quite gentleman courting my hens and doing his best to get on their good side. The girls are still a bit apprehensive. They try to fight with him, which is funny because he just looks at them like "Is that supposed to hurt?" I am hoping any chicks from this guy will lay jumbo eggs and be just as gentle as he is. Here's hoping!!

So this is how it went....

Hehehe. We went camping for the weekend. I went up Thursday with Monkey, Bug, and Nephew. I pulled the trailer myself on the 3+ hour drive and set up camp. The idea was to have me go up early before the holiday rush to make sure we had a good spot. None of us are afraid to rough it and actually enjoy it but one of the sisters is 5 months pregnant so we decided to use an organized campground with bathrooms and running water. That was the plus side, the down side was the people, the paying for the spot, and the fact that we couldn't have our quads at our camp. My nephew seemed rather surprised that I knew what I was doing with pulling the trailer as well as setting up camp. Goofy boy. I tried to explain that I camped a lot as a kid but I don't think he got it.

Friday early we took out the quads for a ride since nephew is a very capable driver. It was fabulous! Beautiful scenery and a huge well maintained trail system focused on the quads meant less hard to the surrounding area because everyone wasn't making their own trails. By 9 PM we went from 4 to 28 in our camp. Yes we make a big bunch and that wasn't every one.

Saturday and Sunday was spent together just letting the kids play. Each sibling took a meal to feed everyone so things were spread around evenly. We had quad rides, hiking, and cave exploration. We told stories, did skits, and made smores.

I think all of us were sad to leave on Monday despite the fact we were all in sore need of a bath. It is a wonderful treat to have so many of my husbands siblings together. (6 out of 7)

Now I am home. My reader has well over 100 posts to read. I make a dent and more pop up. If I don't comment a ton do know I am reading all of it, lol.

One bad thing is that now that I am home I am in a flare. When I am in a need to function mode I push everything aside and do what I have too. Since we were camping and that meant no child safe room, no ideal sleep environment, no sticking to my diet and the like I pushed on, ignored my body and functioned. Now I am paying for it. I hurt all over. Large smears of dirt turned out to be bruises and even Tylenol is not touching things. I stumbled across a wonderful website called But You Don't Look Sick and the creator has a great way of explaining her Lupus. FMS is very very similar to that. By her spoon theory I borrowed against my spoons and am now spoonless for a bit until I can recover. It sucks like crazy but I wouldn't change it because I had so much fun being with every one. I did hold myself back on somethings and I did make sure that when a ride was being especially brutal I took it slow so as to lessen the beating my body took. I have learned to try to balance though I admit I didn't do a very good job of it this weekend. I won't be surprised if I end up sick on top of my flare. Bleck!

Well I am off to bed blog friends! Night. I am glad to read of all of your doings and thoughts and look forward to continuing to catch up!

Oh and the chili was amazing!!

Happy Independence Day everyone!