Thursday, August 11, 2011

Why my mom is my mom.

The woman who gave birth to me did only two things that I can thank her for. She gave birth to me and she gave birth to my brother. Otherwise her drugs were more important to her and still are. She was out of my life when I was 5 and I did not see her again until my father flew her in for my wedding. She hardly spoke and did not add to it at all. I thought seeing her would be this amazing reunion. I was the little girl who dreamed of a mother who adored me but just couldn't be there. I learned that day who my mother was. It was not the woman who gave birth to me and ignored me for years. Instead my MOTHER was the woman who lovingly handmade my wedding dress out of my old prom dress because I could not afford anything else and my dad wasn't to keen to help either. (He later did help.) She went to all the appointments to pick flowers and food and she altered the bridesmaid dresses that needed it. She helped me get ready while the woman who carried me in her womb hid in a hotel nearby. When my first child was born she drove 2 hours to be there to help coach me through labor and keep my hubby from passing out as he watched me in pain. When my second was born she flew 2 states away just to be backup in case hubby couldn't handle the surgery and to help me through that first day. She loves my children more than anything. She treats me like she does the children she birthed. The true miracle of this is that she and my dad divorced not long after my marriage. She had no reason to keep me in her life. Every other woman my dad brought into our lives left when the relationship ended. She stayed. She is my Mom in ever single sense of the word and I am so amazingly grateful for her and for that. On days when it feel like no one is on my side but my husband I know she has my back. She calls just to check on me or say hi. My dad doesn't even do that. It is pretty amazing to feel like I finally have a mom. (I also got 2 pretty awesome sisters out of the deal and a brother who is pretty great too!!)

9 comments:

  1. I can’t say that I know the pain that you have for your birth mother. But I can understand. My dad is the same way... kinda. My mom’s husband, Bob, is like a father to me although my mom got married when I was 25, so I didn’t grow up with him as my dad (I actually got sent off to boarding school when I was 10 until 18, although my 2 brothers and 1 sister didn’t). My real dad doesn’t have a drinking problem, or drugs, or even gambling. He’s wonderful to my other siblings. He’s just a professional ass to me. And he manages to make the other siblings treat me like dirt too. I think it’s punishment for not siding with him when my parents split when I was 22 (I took no one’s side), and he manages to get my siblings to blame all of their life problems on me. It’s almost funny if it wasn’t sad. Bob drops everything when me and the wife need something. Bob helped up move, and is coming in October to finish out our loft for us. He gave me his .357 Magnum service revolver from the Sheriff’s Office to me as a Christmas present. He is a great guy. And I remind him of that when I can. My dad... karma is gonna get him one day, one day too late.

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  2. Sad story, but at least you DID get one out of three... Glad you and she are still friends.

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  3. I will never understand people who do things like that. I can't imagine not making an effort with my children. To me being a parent is so important and making sure my girls know I love them and am always there for them is a big priority for me. The effort will not stop when they turn 18 either.

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  4. NFO I am pretty glad too. I am very lucky to have her. She is the grandma who bakes with my girls and makes them curtains and they most want to see. I think because they see how much she loves them and their dad and I.

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  5. The woman who gave birth to you gave you a third thing. She gave you the impetus to stop the bad story with you. In other words your children will not be telling the story of "the woman that gave birth to me", but will be telling stories of their loving mom.

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  6. God bless you...it's situations like this when I wish I had the power to throw my arms around the person in pain and through some higher power make all the sad memories and pain just vanish. If only...

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  7. You are exactly right North. The egg-donar taught me what not to be.

    Thanks Stephen! I wrote this to be positive. I found my mom. She is exactly the right mom for me. I am very blessed to have the mom I have. It took a long time maybe and I am not girly at all since my dad had no idea how to teach me those things but I am glad I have the mom I do. She is a huge part of our lives.

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  8. I'm glad you are doing ok with all of it. My mom and dad stayed married for more than 50 years until he passed away. He was real old time Baptist, spare the rod and spoil the child, so we weren't close. But I think he tried to be a good father according to his lights. My mom was always a great mom and still is. I've been really lucky. Sounds to me like you have had to deal with a lot but managed to do so and there's some good things in the narrative there.

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  9. This really wasn't a pity me post. My journey had ups and downs sure but I was lucky my dad protected us by divorcing when he did and he was great at providing for us. He and I have had it rough because we are very different personalities. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve while he avoids emotional confrontation. It has been better since he met his wife. She brings out the good but it is still hard. With my mom it has been easy. No feeling of worry or judgement. Just a simple relationship. Mom's just seem to do that though lol.

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